Exams were terrible

Environmental Law
Have you ever had one of those nightmares where you get to the test and realize you didn't study? Well this happened to me in real life. I did study, but it sure didn't feel like it.

Constitutional Law
I started to read this exam and my mind just blanked. This has never happened to me before. Part of the problem was that the hypothetical the prof gave us basically required us to make a song describing the entire constitution in our own words with out using any adverbs. Or something like that.

Evidence
I'm mildly in love with this professor, and I spend a lot of time making hearsay objections while I watch real trials on Court TV, so this exam didn't go as badly as the others. Then again, I have a terrible sense of performance. And the judge on Court TV always overrules my objections. Bastard.

European Union Law
This was the icing on the cake. I believed this exam was scheduled for Tuesday morning. But Sunday night I started having strange feelings. I decided to check the exam schedule just in case. Surprise! It was to take place on Monday morning at 8:30. I studied for about five hours total. On the exam, I'm fairly sure I recommended the IRA propose an amendment to the Lisbon Treaty.

I am bound for success. Big Law, call me.

CERCLA violation

We're going to have to call in EPA's haz mat team to clean up the toxic mess that was my Environmental Law Exam.

One down. Three to go.

Environmental law exam begins in twelve hours. Much to my surprise, I am still learning new things about statutes I thought I already understood. How exciting.


Sob.

Exams begin in less than 48 hours. I basically didn't study at all yesterday. Instead, to de-stress, I got drunk.

At my fiance's company Christmas party.

I suspect he'll be getting a promotion any day now, thanks to me.

I'm just trying to give the people what they want

Needless to say, I'll be ordering take out more often.

I was reading over my notes on Lawrence v. Texas in order to form my outline for Constitutional Law. I found the following funny typo:

A Texas statute made it a crime for two persons of the same sex to engage in certain intimate sexual cats.

Bahahaha.

PS: Did I say you wouldn't be hearing from me because of exams? What I meant is that I will be posting several times DAILY in order to procrastinate. You're welcome.

From one of my favorite sites

Dear Bloggess, I just paid about $20,000 for law school, which there is no way I can get back. Unfortunately, I also just discovered I hate law school. What should I do? Love, Meg

Spray paint a big C in the Law School’s sign so it looks like it says “Claw School” and then tell them that you thought you were paying to get a degree in fixing claws and ask when the claw lessons start. Then when they explain that this is law school and that claw school doesn’t even exist threaten to sue them for false advertising. Tell them you’ll settle for $20,000 and then if they say no, go to class and constantly interrupt the professor to ask questions about claws and when he doesn’t know the answers be all “WHAT KIND OF CLAW PROFESSOR ARE YOU?” Evenutally you’re going to get your money back. Or end up in jail. In which case your law training will come in handy so I hope you were occasionally listening in class and not just thinking up new claw questions.

Read more: http://askthebloggess.pnn.com/articles/show/51696-high-school-sucks-for-everyone#ixzz0YBTzqLCh

What I am doing instead of studying for constitutional law:

Trying to change the lyrics of Amber's 1999 vomit inducing smash hit song "Sexual" to a song about Antonin Scalia called "Textual."



Don't make this multi-dimensional
The way I feel is textual
The way I feel is textual
I'm oh-so-intellectual
The way I feel is textual
The way I feel is textual
When appeals are next to me

And so on and so forth.

exams are just around the corner. don't expect to hear much from me until they end. except sobbing. you'll probably hear some of that.

happy t-day.

Self Deception

Although I appreciate the maniacal, hilarious rantings of the vast number of unhappy blogging attorneys on the internet, the horror of their varied employment situations can be somewhat terrifying. I mean, am I destined for a life of disappointment and regret? Is this any indication that I will never be as witty/successful/corny as Jack McCoy? Am I making a huge mistake??

But, alas! Not to worry! Being that I am one of the greatest legal minds of our time, I've come up with an excellent justification for my continued halfhearted pursuit of a law degree:

MAYBE there are lots of attorneys who love their jobs...but they are so busy with their exciting jobs and families and yoga routines that they don't have time to blog. Plus, it would be really boring to read about their perfect lives anyway...So they spare us.

Surely that's the only explanation of why there are no I <3 lawyering blogs on the internet....

Right?

Business Casual

I hate when you go on an interview, and the interviewer thinks he's doing you a favor by telling you to dress "business casual." Maybe it's different if you're a man, but as a woman, this just complicates things. I just want to wear my standard suit. It's like a uniform. It's comfortable and I don't have to think about what to put on. As long as I actually remember to put on the pants before I leave the house, this outfit is pretty much a slam dunk.

But business casual? What does that mean...Slacks? A skirt? Collared shirt or sweater? Maybe a fancy tank top with a nice cardigan? Can I just screw it and wear a suit anyway? Does that make me seem stuffy? (Even if I forget the pants?) What if I am not dressed up enough? What if I get confused and slap on a pair of khakis and a Blockbuster polo shirt?

Businesses of America, let's make this easier on everyone. YOU don't have to wear a suit. Hell, you can interview me in a toga if you want to, but I am going to wear a suit. It will be dark and tailored and boring. And you're going to like it.

Case from my EU law book...

"In Kreil, on the other hand, the applicant was challenging a more general prohibition under German law which barred women from military posts involving the use of arms, and allowed them access to only the medical and military-music services."

Military music services??? Lame.

Hilarious/Sad Question

Friend: Do you think hearsay will be on the evidence exam?

Self: Disbelief, confusion, maniacal laughter...

Party Time

It's time to print out all of this semester's notes so I can start working on outlines. I was feeling bad about TOTALLY DOMINATING the only printer on campus because only ONE in the library currently works...but then the next kid in line to print something out was wearing a homemade "tea party" t-shirt that said:

SECURI-TEA!!

DAMN THE LIBERAL FASCISTS!!!

And that was only the back.

So like the liberal fascist I am, I decided not to tell him how many pages I was printing. It's been about 45 minutes, and the printer is still slowly trucking through all the notes I took this semester. He is shooting me dirty looks. But I don't care, I have my computer screen facing him and am very clearly perusing moveon.org.

Suck on that, Teabags.

Why Law Review Sucks

In my environmental law class we're talking about hazardous waste disposal sites. Like a good student, I've been attempting to take notes.

BUT EVERY TIME I TRY TO WRITE "SITE" I WRITE "CITE."

So I'd just like to take this opportunity to thank law review for taking over my schedule, my sanity, and now, finally, my ability to spell.

I htae yuo lwa reievw.

My fears are confirmed, Above the Law says so:

If you think law school looks like a terrible financial investment, you are correct

Terrible Morning:

The statute of limitations on my milk had run, and I didn't figure it out until I had already poured it all over my cereal.

Why I don't want to be a defense attorney:

In a trial on distribution of cocaine, a prosecutor is questioning the defendant on the stand:

Q: You didn't see any actual drugs?

A: No, sir.

Q: Would you know what they looked like if you saw them?

A: Yes, it's advertised on TV, too, sometimes in the commercials

Q: You see drugs advertised on TV?

A:Yes, you know, on news or something like that.

Q: And that's the only time you've ever seen drugs?

A: Roughly, yes.

Q: Roughly?

A: Yes.

The prosecutor then went on to prove that the defendant had failed three drug tests during the course of his pre-trial release.

United States v. Copelin, 996 F.2d 379 (D.C. Cir 1993).

The Grass Is Greener

Today I got to be on the other side of the fence for once. I recently interviewed for a part-time job with a local plaintiff's firm. The firm placed an ad with School of Law specifically requesting a current law student. During the interview, the partners basically told me they were looking for someone to do data entry 25 hours a week. Two questions:

1. Why are you trying to get a law student to do data entry?

I actually asked them if they thought I would learn anything about their practice and they said: Well, you would learn how important it is to have good data entry. So that's a no.

I don't mind a little administrative work. Actually, I've done it many times before. But you don't need a law student to do that for you. It may sound pretentious, but don't waste my time--I need to learn legal practical skills, not how to use Excel.

2. What law student has 25 hours a week to devote to anything?

Again, you do not need a law student to do this work. I don't even have time to study for 25 hours a week (unless you're the Dean of School of Law, in which case I study 50 hour s a week and you should give me a scholarship). I had to hold back in the interview from recommending the firm try to recruit a part time fashion merchandising student for this job. That's who has 25 hours a week.

On the other hand, the partners were very nice and up front with me. They could have lied to me about the position and then blindsided me with the data-entry-job-from-hell. So I appreciate that.

Nonetheless, when they called to offer me the job today, it was extremely therapeutic after the many rejections I have endured to be able to thank them for their employment offer and gracefully TURN. IT. DOWN.

LegalEase: 1
Law Firms: 234

But hey, 1 is a start!

Role Reversal

Earlier this semester I befriended an LLM student at a law school social event. She was a cool girl and I felt a lot of sympathy for her since she came to study here from another country. I remember what it was like to be the lonely foreign kid, so I was happy to include her in our group. (Nobel Peace Prize nomination forms available here) In fact, I kept inviting her out after that, but she never responded.

No matter, due in large part to my megalomaniacal tendencies, I've been giving myself a three-month pat on the back for being such a kind and gracious person. Seriously, I've been secretly congratulating myself for weeks on the great strides I've clearly made international relations. (I'm just saying, there might already be a self nomination for the Nobel...You'll notice on the site there's no modesty requirement) Despite my ever-growing popularity among my peers I remain a champion for the meek! An advocate for the lonely! A...

Fast forward.

Today I was at lecture on campus from a World Bank VP. I knew no one there. There was seriously like a 30 foot radius between me and the closest student in the room. To the speaker, it probably looked like the entire classroom had taken out a restraining order on me. In the mean time, my poor, lonely, charity case LLM student was surrounded by pals. I'm sure if she had seen me she would have invited me over to sit with her, but she looked so cool and foreign and exotic I doubt she even noticed I was there.



Who's the lonely foreign kid now?

Fitting In

School of Law fitness center provides endless fodder for my blog...Today I observed a gal in full workout gear--sweat pants, trendy fitted men's v-neck t, nikes--with flawless make up, hair, and a pearl necklace.

Good thing I'm already promised to Brandon Walsh. I could never compete with these stepford wives ladies.

gChat

Attended a seminar on China's restructuring of state owned enterprises. The speaker was really great, but had a minor metaphor mix-up:

"China didn't just throw out the bathwater with the baby. It recycled the bathwater, and kept the baby!"

LegalEase: It's funny to hear him say that China didn't throw out the bathwater with the baby. So close, yet so far.

LR: Haha. China would never keep the baby...overpopulation.

Outlines

The key to law school success is a great outline for the exam, preferably written by someone else. My 3L friend was kind enough to send me one of hers, and I forwarded it on to a friend in my Constitutional Law class. His response:

You are awesome. Thank you. I'm expecting these to be for [Con Law professor's] lectures what the Rosetta Stone was for hieroglyphics.

Want the outline? Pile on the praise and don't forget the sarcasm.

Hahaha...Death From Above!!!

There's a good chance I'm related to this woman.

Barf Bag

Today as I was working out, some girl showed up with a Louis Vuitton gym bag.

Only at School of Law fitness center would this happen.

If I pawned that shit (she deserves it) I could pay for like 4 days of class. Instead I just tried to work out hard enough to barf, so I could use her sack to contain my vomit.

Things I have been doing instead of posting incessantly:

As long as I'm home alone when I watch this show, I can pretend I'm good enough to be on it. And practice. Just in case the law career doesn't pan out.

Obsessively watching 90210 has lead me to seek ways to call off my wedding and elope with Brandon. Not to worry, PR is fully apprised of the situation. He "doesn't feel threatened." Psshh.

Helping my parents finish up their taxes before the government hauls them away for life.


Trying not to commit murder (although I'd argue mitigating circumstances could bring this down to manslaughter) when the girl next to me at the gym chats on her cell phone while on the elliptical for half an hour.

Things I have not been doing:
Understanding Evidence
Understanding Environmental Law
Understanding Constitutional Law
Showering

Why I won't get any work done this week:

http://supremecourt.c-span.org/Default.aspx

I mean, if I'm going to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the time I'm 24 (thanks, unscrupulous Obama aides), I should probably start preparing.

Case Note.

The Challenge: Write 15 pages in 6 hours.

The Contender: One lazy law student with a penchant for Bluebook errors

The Prize: Not getting kicked off law review.

Wait a minute, that is not a prize. I'm getting shafted.

Trading Places.

Today one of my classmates sent out an email asking someone in our class to cover for her. It was her day to explain the reading, but she was sick and couldn't make it to class.

I don't know her, but I felt bad for her so I told the professor I would take over for her today. (Feel free to canonize me any time...) After class the professor emailed us both and told her she could cover for me next week.

But I'd really prefer it if she'd just come over and unload my dishwasher...Too much to ask?

Loud and Clear

Just in case I didn't get the message from my phone call with Big Law, the firm also decided to send me a rejection letter later in the week. I guess they just want to be really clear that they have no interest in employing me this summer. What's next, a restraining order?

No Such Thing as a Free Lunch

For those of you hell bent on knowing more about my oh-so-interesting personal life, PR and I are getting married this summer at a resort in Mexico. And now that I know I won't have a summer job that will conflict with the wedding date (thanks, Big Law) we're finally sending out our Save-the-Date cards.

The company helping us plan the destination wedding provides free cards, which is awesome. They are a little cheesy...but the less work I have to do, the better chance PR has of marrying a live bride on our wedding day. We had four pictures to choose from. PR liked this one:


Now look a little closer


I think we should change the text to, "Please save the date. And also your dog is invited."

Isn't that romantic??

Reminders.

From an article a professor sent to our class last year after exams:

Do not measure your success by your ability to achieve results over matters that you cannot control. You don't have to prove anything to anybody. Rather, you should attempt to earn your own self-respect. Your success or failure depends on the effort that you make in the learning process, not on how learning is measured in law school examinations. All that you can ask of yourself, and all that anyone can ever ask of you, is that you do your best--that you try hard.

Fall 2009 = Misery

Don't spread this around, but I did not hate my 1L year. I was too busy preparing for class, trying to understand what an outline was, and snuggling with my Bluebook at night. But let me tell you, I really, REALLY am not a fan of 2L year. And I've finally figured out why:

As a 1L, you're not expected to know anything. You're totally clueless, and that's okay. Everyone thinks that's cute.

But as a 2L, your professors expect you to have your shit together. You're supposed to understand what's going on in class. You're supposed to remember the elements of negligence. You're even supposed to remember to wear pants on campus.

For me, despite all the other let downs (OCI, GPA, Sarah Palin still has vocal cords), I think the real reason 2L is so terrible is because I am actually still just a 1L masquerading as someone who knows something.

Secret's out.

Panic.

I am trying, really trying, not to lose it here. The more blogs I obsessively read in my never-ending quest to waste time and resources, the more incredibly terrified I become of the future. All I see is that the legal market is in terrible shape, there are no jobs to speak of, there is no way to pay back my debt, and I can look forward to a lifetime of disappointment and food stamps (can you buy organic produce with food stamps?)

 

Part of my panic is indubitably related to my most recent (and final) Big Law rejection. Instead of doing things the humane way (writing a letter) this particular firm decided to torture me over the phone. That's right legal eagles, Big Law called me (excitement, elation, possible urination of happiness) to tell me that I was NOT getting an offer (confusion, frustration, unsuccessful attempt to control the volume and character of my voice). Anyone who has gone through on campus recruiting knows that if you get a call, you got the job. If you didn't get the job, you'll get a letter. Or in my case several hundred letters. This is the industry standard.

 

So imagine me answering the phone, realizing that it's Big Law, smiling and taking out a pen and paper to write down the details only to be told the following:

 

Hey, Soon-to-be-disappointed Loser, How are you doing?!?

 

What I Said: Oh hi, Big Law. I'm doing well, thank you.

What I Thought: A call! I have a job! All that hard work and blackmailing paid off!

 

I realize that you are probably not accustomed to this, but I am actually not calling with good news.

 

What I Said: Silence. 

What I Thought: What? What is he talking about? I realize he's expecting a response. Silence.

 

Unfortunately we are not going to be offering you a summer associate position.

 

What I Said: Okay.

What I Thought: Confusion. Anger. Silence. The emotional rollercoaster, once at such a high, begins to speed rapidly downhill.  At what point is uncontrollable rage/hysterical sobbing considered inappropriate in a professional setting?

 

Please realize this has nothing to do with you.

 

What I Said: Sure.

What I Thought: Oh really? That's strange because I could have sworn I sent you my resume, transcripts, blood type, and a Candygram. I could have sworn I told you all about myself and my goals during my on campus interview. I also thought I met with 12 other people at your firm. I could have sworn I spent hours interviewing and smiling and being my generally charming self at your fancy, over air-conditioned, downtown office. But thank you, I'm so glad that I had no part in your decision.

 

We just have such a limited number of spots to fill.

 

What I Said: Right.

What I Thought: We are cheap, soulless assholes who love to waste your time and energy. Let me guess, you're going to go in to the typical tirade about the economy and the restraints its placed on your summer program.

 

Typical tirade about the economy and the restraints its placed on your program…I just felt like I owed it to everyone to call.

 

What I Said: Sure.

What I Thought: Oh right, you thought you owed it to everyone to show them what it feels like when you're coming down from a coke high. Thanks, but that's not necessary. I am terrified of drugs.

 

Listen, if there is anything I can do for you in the future, please let me know.

 

What I Said: Okay.

What I Thought: Here's an idea. You could give me a job, fucktard.

 

And again, I am really sorry.

 

What I Said: Sure. Thanks.

What I Thought: I'm sorry, are you looking for some sort of FORGIVENESS here? WHY did you call me? SEND ME A LETTER telling me how qualified I am and how my hair has an extra-healthy sheen but DO NOT call me when the legal standard is: Call = Job! No call = No job!  And if you don't mind, I'd like the 13 Thank-You letters I sent to your firm back. And you can send that Express.

 

 

Listen. I know I can't have every job (believe me I know), and I know that I sound like a spoiled brat (I am) and I know that most people probably think this guy was just being nice (whereas I believe his struggling firm just didn't want to waste 43 cents on a stamp) but I put myself on the emotional roller coaster ALL BY MYSELF all day long. I do not need any assistance.

 

I am smart. And (at least to myself) funny. And sometimes I'm even nice to people. And I know that I have a lot of opportunities and all that crap. But all I hear is how bad things are out there, and it is really scary. Especially when I am staring down the barrel at thousands of dollars of loan debt. By the time I graduate, my passport will be expired. If I don't have a job, how will I renew it? If I don't renew it, how will I escape the country and blow off all that debt.

 

It's a conundrum. 

These are the kinds of hypotheticals I run through all day.

What's a gal to do?

 

Law School:

The reason why (1) my bank account is starving, and (2) I am getting fat.

Surge In Popularity

Well blog fan(s), it looks like I'll have a lot less time to post in the coming years because I have just sealed my fate as the Most Popular Student at School of Law.

In my European Union law class, when asked whether I thought State liability should apply to national legislative bodies, I replied,

"Well yes, in Germany's case, because they were just being rude."

Now that everyone knows how brilliant I am, I'll probably be far too busy espousing my wisdom to my adoring real-life fans to entertain my tens and tens of supporters online.

However, if on the off chance my fellow students see me for the clueless student/failed diplomat/unicorn poacher I really am...there's a good chance I'll be hiding in a musty corner of the library, making snarky remarks on The Internets for a while to come.

On a Federal Job Application:

7a. Are you a male born after December 31, 1959?
____ Y ____ N (If no, skip 7b and go to 7c)


7b. Have you registered with the selective service system?
____ Y ____ N


7c. If "NO" describe your reasons in item #16.


WHAT? I have to describe the reasons why I am not a male born after December 31, 1959?

How do I go about telling the Feds about how the babies are made...

Success In Interviewing

Big Law Interviewer, graduate of School of Law: So, who is your favorite professor at School of Law?

Brilliant, Charming Law Student: Professor X, I appreciate that she really challenges her students.

Interviewer: Oh. I couldn't stand her.

(silence...)



I'll take that as a "You're hired."

Giggles

While I'm studying for tomorrow's fly back interview with Big Law, PR is in the living room playing this Lego computer game with a friend. I've got a pretty decent handle on my concentration until I hear PR say this:

"Well, I like this one [Lego Game] better than the other one [different Lego Game] because the other one is childish."

I try to laugh under my breath, but fail. Before I know it I am laughing hysterically. At the end of the day, honey, you're still playing with Legos.

Thank God I have this child mature adult to be my partner through life.

My Environmental Law prof named his dog NEPA (nee-pa) after the National Environmental Policy Act.

My future as a lawyer is bleak.

Foreshadowing

An excerpt from The Nine, by Jeffrey Toobin describing Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor:

"After blazing through Stanford Law School and graduating in 1952, O'Connor did not receive a single job offer as a lawyer. ( The major Los Angeles law firm of Gibson, Dunn & Crutcher said she could come to work as a legal secretary.) But O'Connor ignored the slights, as became her custom, and concentrated instead on building a life with her new husband, John."

Oh, the parallels between Sandra (can I call her Sandra?) and myself! At this rate, I think it's safe to assume I'll be the next influential Supreme Court nominee.

Kick you when you're down

In United States v. Cunningham, a nurse appealed her conviction for tampering with a consumer product. According to the prosecution, she stole Demerol out of syringes at her hospital and replaced the syringes with saline solution. After the faulty syringes were discovered, police questioned the nurse and took a urine sample to test whether she had any of the drug in her system. In the case against her, the prosecution submitted evidence of the nurse's past addiction to Demerol as well as the resulting suspension of her nursing license.

In his decision, the appellate judge details the nurse's history as an addict, her previous conviction for stealing Demerol, and the proceeding suspension of her nursing license. After he confirms that the submission of the prosecution's evidence regarding her addiction and license suspension was proper and thus denies all of her arguments on appeal, the judge writes this poignant last sentence:

"And she did flunk the urine test."

Ouch.

Email from a friend who's just starting at a better law school than mine:

"Met a big group from my section out on Saturday. Guy from Yale declined my invitation for another beer because he was 'trying to develop good study habits.' Awesome."

Get used to it, sister. While this answer seems like that of a typical recovering alcoholic (more fun), it's actually the mark of someone who will become a real prick of a lawyer. You're lucky he didn't attempt to report you to the dean.

Concurrence in Nordyke v. King, 563 F.3d 439 (9th Cir. 2009).

"That we have a lawfully armed populace adds a measure of security for all of us and makes it less likely that a band of terorists could make headway in an attack on any community before more professional forces arrived."

WTF! This is why we should have guns in our homes??

I'll be living in a gated community (not just one of those regular communities), so I think that will fend of "bands of terrorists" until more professional forces arrive.

Also, the term band of terrorists make me think of this:


So it's hard to take this argument seriously.

Cruel & Unusual

Saturday afternoon.
Have been trying to start my reading for the last 5 hours.
Have not cracked a book.

Long year, straight ahead.

As reported by a friend:

Strange kid walks in to the classroom mid class. Takes two steps. Looks around. Immediately bolts out of classroom.

Professor points and shouts as kid runs off, "Get out of my jurisdiction!!!"


Oh hilarious law jokes.

How My Professor Ended Up With Alimony Payments

When the professor asked which tile of the Clean Water Act was violated in San Francisco Baykeeper v. Cargill Salt, none of us gave the right answer. His response:

"You're all wrong. But I'll tell you the answer. If I were my wife I would just keep asking the same question until I got the answer I wanted."

As Found on Best of Craigslist

How especially pertinent:
__________________________

One of the worst experiences in law school has been the ritual of submitting applications for summer employment and then going through a series of 20-minute screening interviews that would put a marine drill sergeant to shame when it comes to humiliating and dehumanizing you. Here are my top-ten (least) favorite questions, and how I actually answered them as opposed to how I would have liked to answer them.

1. Why are you interested in this firm?

What I said: Your firm handled (insert name of case I read on their website) which I found to be exciting because it was just like another case I was reading in this class I got an A in. I've also asked some (read: none) upper class-men about your office and they said it's a great work environment.

What I thought: I looked through your attorney roster and saw that you hire people who do not appear to have any honors and come from bad law schools. That made me think that I have a chance to work here.

2. Why did you go to law school?

What I said: I went to law school because I want to be able to make a difference. Legal work allows me to be competitive and to work for justice, both of which are important things in my life.

What I thought: That's a good question, and I ask myself it daily. I'd have to say the answer is, stupidity.

3. Do you think your grades are an accurate reflection of the kind of work you will do as an attorney?

What I said: Law school has been a challenge, and I think my grades reflect that. More important than my grades, which by the way have steadily improved over my academic career, is my dedication to the work I do. My performance during my summer jobs is the best indicator of how I will work, and you will find that my previous employers were all pleased with me (or at least forgot who I am and so will not remember the fuck ups).

What I thought: My grades are absolutely a good reflection of how I will work. I will put in the minimum amount of effort needed to not get fired, and I will approach my job with contempt and disinterest.

4. What would you say is your greatest weakness?

What I said: My greatest weakness is that I get too personally involved with my work. For instance, when I am working on trial prep, and then the case settles favorably, I feel as though it should have gone to trial anyway, despite knowing that the settlement is what's best for our firm and our client.

What I thought: Pussy. If there are any females in your office, you can be certain I will work twice as hard to get into their pants as I will to make my billables. And yes, since you require us to bill 1,900 hours, that means I will be sexually harassing my co-workers 3,800 hours a year.

5. Tell us about a recent mistake that you have made.

What I said: I accidentally misfiled a case at work that was set to go to trial the next week. As soon as I realized this, I alerted my supervisor and disaster was averted.

What I thought: An even bigger mistake I've made has been wasting 20 minutes of my life in this interview instead of taking a dump, that would have been much more satisfying and productive.

6. What do you do for fun?

What I said: I enjoy jogging, skydiving, and traveling to exotic countries.

What I thought: Binge drink. But really, I don't have a problem. And I swear this is just a plain Diet Coke. (Checks breath)

7. Tell us about your style of leadership.

What I said: I lead by taking the initiative and working proactively with my peers to come up with solutions.

What I thought: I lead by playing "The Eye of the Tiger" on a boombox while pounding my fist on the table and shouting insults. (It works, I've done it)

8. If you don't get hired by this firm, what will you do?

What I said: I will analyze what I could have done better during the interview and take that knowledge with me into my next interview with [rival firm name].

What I thought: I will breath a sigh of relief that I won't be working for an asshole like you. Or I will stalk you and slit your throat. I haven't decided yet.

9. Do you have any questions for us?

What I said: Will I have a key so that I can come in and work on the weekends?

What I thought: Will I have a key so that I can come in and have sex with my girl friend on my desk on the weekends?

10. We value creativity among our associates. With that in mind, what kind of plant would you be, and why?

What I said: I would be a tree, because they are tall, strong, and live a long life.

What I thought: I would be a tree, so that I could fall on you and kill you

It's not like I am babysitting the President's children!!

Imagine my surprise when I found this in my email:

"Hi Student-With-a-Possible-Record-But-Awesome-Personality,

Thanks for letting me know about your availability. We will consider you for a clerkship position for the summer. Right now, we are running background checks [emphasis added]. That process should take about a week to 10 days. Once it has been completed, you should hear back from us about the summer program.

Sincerely,

Unsuspecting-Lawyer-Who-Never-Bothered-to-Ask-if-You-Had-a-Record"


Shit.

Post-Script: I got a job offer from this firm. Must have unscrupulous background checkers. I should fit in well here.

Failure, Part 357

Well, I've joined the faceless, nameless ranks of law students begging for summer jobs from Big Law. I've also joined AA. (joke, mom) But really. It's terrible.

I had an interview today with a firm I really liked. The interviewer (sneaky bastard...) asked what he should know about me that isn't on my resume that would make him remember me and want to hire me.

Long bout of silence.

I have been trained to put every bit of qualifying information on that resume. There is nothing NOTHING about me that is not on there. It even has my blood type. And a short monologue about the time I tried to smoke a cinnamon stick as a child. (Curiosity killed not only the infamous cat but also my left lung. It was like cinnamon FIRE.) I just kept drawing blanks. Eventually I mumbled something about being hard working and self motivated and a fan of the city's basketball team (lie). I decided to polish off my flawless answer with the following:

And you will like me.

Needless to say, I won't be making partner at Big Law and time soon. Instead, I'm picking up applications at Church's Chicken and Big Lots. And crying in the arms of strangers.

School of Law pressured me in to joining Law Review. Suffice it to say, Law Review. is. fucking. terrible. However, I did get a good chuckle today when I was crying (literally) to a librarian because I could not find a source.

His Response: The Law Review is to librarians what football is to co-eds! We are obsessed with you guys!

I pictured him in a cheer leading costume and had my first and only giggle of the day.

It's going to be a long year.

I miss the court. Everyone there was so warm and fuzzy. And no one monitored my internet browsing.

Today I was working in my office when I heard my boss and another attorney talking about my work in the hallway. I got up and went over there thinking I could answer any questions they had. Bad decision. It turned out it was NOT a positive conversation. Attorney 1 (A1) was bitching to my supervisor (S) about me! IN THE HALLWAY, aka A PUBLIC FORUM. Let me take you back in time. Here's how all of this happened:

Last week, A1 saunters in here and tells me to "familiarize" myself with this case. Then he tells me to try calling this woman he has been unable to get in touch with for A YEAR. I familiarize, consider ending my life, and call this woman several times. No surprise: she won't call me back either.

Fastforward to the hallway: A1 is bitching to S that I didn't do anything I was supposed to. Excuse me, by "supposed to" do you mean READ YOUR WHOLE GD FILE ON THIS CASE AND HARASS SOME POOR WOMAN THAT DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU?? (and I don't blame her!) Luckily S tells A1 that he gave me a bad assignment and that I can't subpoena the woman so he should have a paralegal work on it. (Thank you, Jesus. Thank you S.) In the mean time, I am standing there shifting awkwardly and wondering why I am still being referred to in the third person. He saunters away.

Lesson:

So it turns out that there are real lawyers (read: assholes) even in government work. What frustrates me is that the interns are doing their work for free, and they still treat all of us like crap.

Looking for sympathy, I went to talk to an intern who has been here longer. She said, "Well, you're an intern--that's what you signed up for." I told her she's going to be a good lawyer. It was not a compliment.

Obviously, I know I am an intern, but I did not sign up to be treated like I am worthless. In fact, the reason I wanted to do government work this summer is because it's much more laid back and as a result, tempers don't generally flair as much. That, and I...uh...want to...um...help people?

In any case, I realize I am working with a population that generally has an overarching God complex, but it doesn't matter who you are (or more accurately, who you THINK you are), you should still treat your employees well. ESPECIALLY when your JOB is hearing employment grievances all day long.

So today I am a number four to my life goal list ( 1.eat well 2. nap often 3. don't get eaten by a shark): 4. Don't be an arrogant prick of a lawyer.

You think I would have thought of this earlier.

-----

In other news, it's so cold in here that I think my internal organs are freezing over. So long, cruel world!

Watching the Home Run Derby with PR. There are a ton of kids in the outfield scooping up baseballs that don't make it out of the park.



Me: Who are all those kids?

PR: I don't know. Orphans? That way it looks good for MLB and no one sues if one of them gets hit in the head.



He's going to be such a great father.

[Possible Future Book Title]

And Then I Almost Had a Nervous Breakdown Because I Couldn't Find the Goddamn Corkscrew

Recent Developments:

1. Was booted from my office and forced to set up elsewhere. "Elsewhere" was full of boxes and had a terrible desk set up. I thought it would be a good idea to try to move this enormous 3-part desk by myself. Not surprisingly, I failed. This is what they call "destruction of federal property." It's a felony.

2. Have been told they are doing "renovations" in the office. Since when did "renovations" come to mean clubbing a baby seal to death?? Because that's what it sounds like they are doing.

3. Have been invited to join the International Law Review Association. Wondering if I can write an article about the possiblity of ditching law school loan debt, hiding from the government, and opening a B&B in Mexico. Not that I'm planning anything. Really.

Adventures of a Federal Employee--Part I

9:15am
Arrival, Introductory meeting where I learn some of my initial responsibilities, office structure, and the romantic history of all the office attorneys. Am told walls are being repainted and carpet is being replaced. So that's why there's a nail lodged in my foot.

9:30am
Introduced to other employees including the director of the commission. Stuffed in to loneliest office that slightly resembles a gas chamber. A gas chamber with a Fancy Desk.

9:45am
Taken to get Federal ID badge. My badge photo makes commission look like they hire directly from state mental institutions. Head back to gas chamber office.

10:30am
Reading files. Nodding off.

10:50am
Considering a nap beneath Fancy Desk. Text Friend to beg for a lunch date. Don't want to seem desperate but ITHINKI'MGOINGTODIEALONE!

11:05am
A judge gives me a cookie. There is a God.

11:15am
Someone should invent a device to force eyes to remain open.

12:00pm
Lunch with Friend. Being a bitchy gossip addict. Glimmer of hope for future survival.

1:30pm
Lunch is over. Hopelessness returns. Don't have computer access because no one has set up my security stats yet. When I ask the IT guy about it, he tells me he doesn't know who I am or what I am talking about. Have been slated to begin this job since April.

2:30pm
Nice young attorney comes to chat with me. Perhaps I will not forget how to speak English after all. Quickly realize he is procrastinating so he doesn't have to write a brief. Wondering if this gas chamber has an 'on' valve.

3:10pm
Attorney walking by says, "You having fun yet?!" Want to cry.

3:25pm
Supervisor tells me she sent a nasty email to the IT guy. Am sure my training session will be pleasant.

4:00pm
Finally get computer access. Good news: I can play on the internet. Bad news: I am warned that President Obama can access every page I've ever perused. (Don't judge me, 'Bama. Like you've never spent 30 minutes at work looking up the best hand sanitizers.)

4:57pm
Five. O. Clock. Will. Never. Come.

4:58pm
Seriously.

4:59pm
Will perish before it's...

5:00pm
To Be Continued...

No shoes, No shirt, No helmet, No service

In other news, I have gotten in to biking lately. I think I like it because it feels sort of like a roller coaster, but with less vomit. So when I'm running errands or making short trips, I bike instead of drive. Since I have today off, I decided to bike up to a local shop and buy some fresh pasta. I made it up there without breaking any bones (miracle 1), hopped off my bike without falling over (miracle 2), and proudly strolled in to the shop like the pretentious eco-conscious biker that I am. Immediately I noticed everyone in the store was looking at me. I figured it was probably because they all wanted to be me. Or because there is more vomit involved with biking than I thought. I shrugged it off, placed my order, and waited for the clerks to hand over the goodies. More brow furrowing and confusion ensued. This did not phase me.

Until I saw my reflection in the window as I left the store.

I was still. wearing. this.



Whatever, I ride a bike, I'm awesome.

Just Beat It.

I am just going to come right out and say it. I. am. tired. of. hearing. all. this. shit. about. Michael. Jackson. Sure he had a tough life, sure he made some (allegedly) good music in the 80s. But here's what else is going on in the world that CNN has relegated to the bottom of its webpage (if they even bother publishing it at all).

• Honduras has had a COUP...wtf
• The Supreme Court is issuing sweet opinions like EVERY DAY NOW. Big issues like "reverse discrimination" (scoff), overthrowing the McCain-Feingold campaign finance rules, teens being strip searched in schools, etc. (BTW--THAT is drama.)
  
• Today is the day all US troops are pulling out of Iraqi cities, perhaps a transparent and meaningless crowd-pleasing gesture, but still!
• Health care reform plans are being proposed like, daily. The government might decide to TAX YOUR HEALTH BENEFITS as part of your salary. Wake up.
• Iran is in the middle of an election fraud crisis that will in all probability keep a crazy HOLOCAUST DENIER in office
• Maddoff was sentenced to 150 YEARS in a Federal prison. This sentence is supposedly a message to other greed-driven white collar criminals, but no one is going to bother listening, because everyone has "Thriller" cranked up so loud.
  
• Finally, there are a lot of really cute cats on icanhascheezburger.com, but no one seems to care.
  

Here's the bottom line folks: It's sad, but sometimes pill popping crazies die. Then the world goes on. Get with the program or pull out your sequined glove and start building a time machine; you're about to get left behind.

Day late and 1/20 of a Point Short

Well, the good news is that after semester of slacking I managed to land in the top third of my class and will get on to a Law Review. The bad news is that I missed being in the top quarter of the class by a few hundredths of of a point.

Sigh.

So long, dreams of being fancy lawyer. Hello, nights of chasing ambulances around in my dying car.

In the middle of a heated conversation about a case before the court, the judge I work for suddenly says, "STOP! Everybody stop for a minute!" I look up surprised. "Do ANY of you wear CONTACTS??"

Chorus of "No's"

"I just think it's AMAZING that you all have such good eye sight."


This is who interprets our laws. Be proud, Texas, be proud.

Grammar Lessons

"Cost for Children: $53 per child, per night when sharing room with parents ages 4-17."

Hilarious.

Texas Two Step

Stuck on the train on my way to work this week, I thought to myself, "Here I am, stuck on the train for an hour, and I am neither crying in frustration nor boiling with rage. I have really turned a corner! I am finally controlling my emotions!!"

After the train finally started moving and got to my stop, I stepped outside and promptly got soaked by a deluge of water courtesy of a freak North Texas storm. I approached the court house laughing. But my laughter quickly dissolved to tears when I realized how wet and scary it was to be outside in a monsoon. I cried all the way through security, (Guard: Are you crying because you're wet? Self: No, I'm just so...surprised!! *hysteria continues*) up the escalator, and to my desk. So much for turning a corner.

Oh well. As they say, one step forward, two steps back.

Was just caught sleeping at my desk...by the Chief Justice of the Court of Appeals.

What can I say...I may not be committed to my legal work, but at least I am dedicated to my own self-destruction.

Back Up Plans

If lawyering doesn't work out (and judging by this internship, that's seeming more and more likely) I think I should start a nail salon. It would be called "Get Nailed." I've never wanted to start a nail salon before, but since I thought of a sweet name, it could be worth it.

Also I could start a parking lot, which has been my long term back up plan for a while now. Only last night I realized I could call it Par King Lot. And you could park and play a few rounds of mini golf before you get on your way.

The moral of this story: In the future, look for me on the side of a highway with a sign that says, "Will Work for (Organic) Food."

Some Advice from Your Public Defender:
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/spk/1140769884.html

Trouble.

I start my judicial internship on Monday. Unfortunately, I ran across some bad news while reading the Code of Judicial Conduct for Texas judges.

Canon 2: A Judge Should Avoid Impropriety and the Appearance of Impropriety in All Activities.



Does falling asleep in a restaurant count?


Being the meat of a hump sandwich with two total strangers at a wedding I wasn't invited to?

Dancing on a bar in makeshift golf attire?

Uh oh.

Bumper Cars: Less Fun When You're Over 7 Years Old & On An Actual Road

Why you should be my facebook friend:

Click to enlarge. Or don't, it's whatever.

My New Calling: Bore Myself to Tears

In the wise words of Jesus Christo, It Is Finished. (Hi, God. Just quoting your Son, here. Don't take it the wrong way.) The Law Review Competition is done, exams are over, and I don't have to wake up before 8am if I don't want to. It's surreal.

I watched six episodes of law and order today. I didn't brush my teeth until 3pm. I ate 112% of my saturated fat content for the day during the first hour I was conscious. I am relieved to have a break, but in the same vein I feel vaguely worthless without any obligations. Which is why I plan to go to the tailor tomorrow to get some pants hemmed.

Hey, you gotta start somewhere. Baby steps.

Law School is one big joke, and I am the punch line.

Exams are finally over and now I have to try to write on to law review. Bracing myself for hours of Bluebooking and another inferiority complex. Failure is imminent.

Word.

"I'm a frisbee-tarian. I believe that if you're a bad person, when you die, your soul flies up on to the roof and gets stuck up there forever."

This is true. It's a little known bible verse in Psalms.

-------------------------------------

"I wrote this song while I was driving from San Francisco to Sedona."

That doesn't seem safe. Or fair, considering my friend got pulled over by a bike cop

-------------------------------------

"She's the typical person you always think is on drugs, but never really is."

My sister, about this swaying, giggling, somewhat nerdy, musician. However, after a round of self-reflection, I realize she could have been talking about me.

-------------------------------------

"I think if I were ever a musician, I would be a yodeler. Because you're singing, but you're also kind of making jokes at the same time."

Such wise words. Think about it: Who doesn't want to giggle a little when they hear yodeling? Also, can you quote yourself? Because I just did.

Four exams down, one to go! I can see a light at the end of the tunnel!

But with my luck, that's probably just a train.

Torts Exam: 40 Questions
Time Limit: 3 Hours

An hour and a half in to the exam I am still writing on question 1a. This does not bode well for my Supreme Court appointment.

Supreme Job Offer

I am going to have to back out of my three summer internships, but I think Justice Fancy-Socks & company will understand. A better opportunity has presented itself:

BBC: Souter to Leave Supreme Court!

It's a shame Souter is leaving. He's been a consistently level headed justice with a commitment to the reasonable interpretation of the Constitution. And more importantly, he really made George H.W. look like a jackass. Bonus points for that. Anyway, yes I realize I have big shoes to fill. But I think I'm qualified. I mean, I have trouble fitting my resume on one page. Also, I have a free subscription to Westlaw until I graduate from law school. So that will help with the deficit. Plus I don't really have any skeletons in my closet. Except a skeleton costume from Halloween. But I don't think that should get in the way of my confirmation.

So let me answer your question preemptively, Mr. President. Yes. I accept.

I've been frustrated and confused trying to study for torts because my supplement has all sorts of weird things in it that don't seem to make sense. Finally today it occurred to me to look at the copyright date...1995.

Oh. That makes more sense then. THIS BOOK CAME OUT WHEN I WAS NINE YEARS OLD.

Dinner Coversation

PR bought a ridiculous copper fork a few weeks ago. It matches none of our flatware, but he insisted he needed it, so we brought it home. Last night we had a quick dinner because I've been studying like crazy for the last week. PR was eating dinner with his new fork and it punched a hole through his take out box. He looked up at me with surprise and fear in his eyes and said--with a totally straight face, "This is a fork to be reckoned with!"

Jesus help me.

This is called foreshadowing, folks:

Carol Leifer, in her new/hilarious book, faced a critical dilemma and had only two options: either continue sharing her greatest childhood memory (seeing the Beatles at Shea Stadium in 1966) or lie about her age. She made the inevitable choice:

“I see now that when you deny your age, you deny yourself, and when you lie about your age, you become your inauthentic twin. But most important, when you lie about your age, they win. (And of course by ‘they,’ I mean the terrorists).”

This is the kind of book I will be writing after I fail the ethics section of the bar three times and am prohibited from practicing law. Assuming they haven't won yet. And of course by 'they,' I, too, mean the terrorists.

10:00am, Saturday

PR: We should order a pizza!!

11:56am, Saturday

PR is dipping his strawberries in ranch dip. Turns and says to me "How did I get mustard under my fingernails?"

Preparing to lock myself in the office with 16 pounds of salt water taffy and a three week supply of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Drinking extra fluids so I can cry without becoming dehydrated when I cannot answer exam questions about 28 USC 1367/proximate cause/Horizontal & Vertical Privity/Dormant Commerce Clause/Parol Evidence Rule.

In sum, I'm hoping to be hit by a bus before April 28.

It's the eve of the last week of classes. Today I bought I wireless printer, two black ink cartridges, and another 40 packages of recycled paper. Outlines commence. Starting to hum 'Rocky' theme song incessantly. Nearly on a first name basis with the paper driller at Kinko's.

Exams season is upon us. Let the countdown begin.

I have no idea what I am doing with my career. I don't know what classes to take, how many hours to attempt, or how to schedule my classes so they don't all occur on the same day and time. Trying to register for classes is the hardest thing I've done all semester. So either registering is really difficult, I am really dumb, or I have been total slacker this year.

Take your pick.

Taco Meat's Idol:

Getting Shafted.

I learned today about some of the economic woes in the legal world. Several of the big firms around the country have revoked clerkship offers and instead proposed to pay their 2L clerks $5,000 NOT TO WORK this summer. There must have been some misunderstanding, because these big firms also told me that I could not work for them this summer.

But no one offered me $5,000.

Clearly there has been some sort of mistake.

Justice Served

I had a meeting today to get to know the Justice I'll be working with this summer. I was a little nervous. I was afraid I would get to the boardroom and shout out "I AM HERE FOR JUSTICE!!" I was also afraid this was all just a trick to get me in front of a magistrate for my outstanding warrants. (Just kidding, mom.)

In all honesty, I expected him to be announced by trumpets. I waited for him waltz in with a flowing black robe, white powdered wig, and maybe a halo. There was no music. He wore a sweater and fancy socks. Then he served up some magic tricks and talked about his dog.

I think we'll get along just fine.

Thoughts...

It's Easter weekend and I was conned in to coming down to the lake house to spend time with my (alleged) family. Which is all fun and games except that MY EXAMS START IN TWO WEEKS AND ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS THAT FABIO HORSE. I've holed up in one of our cottages to try to study, but I just keep reading my past blog posts, drinking inordinate amounts of coffee, and giggling at my cleverness (someone's got to do it). The more I look at my blog, the more I think to myself: Why be a lawyer when you can write fascinating and hilarious blogs and make tens and tens of dollars off of advertising revenue? This revelation made me ponder a related question: Is it too late to drop out?

The answer is yes. Because in other news, I have now secured three summer internships. Overly ambitious? Maybe. Possible? Definitely--if I can find a way to order No-Doze in bulk and preemptively put myself on a waiting list for a new kidney or three. I blame School of Law. They made us all panic and believe we wouldn't be able to get anything, so I interviewed for pretty much anything I could find. Then I accepted all and any offers. So this summer, for all you inquiring minds, I'll be a research assistant for the Intellectual Property and International Trade Forum, a legal intern for the EEOC, and a judicial intern for a very lucky Justice on the Texas Court of Appeals.

I'll also be dead by June.

Intsead of Outlining...

Doesn't this horse look like Fabio? He makes me think to myself, "I can't believe it's not butter!" He also makes me think to myself, "How am I going to explain that I failed torts because I was looking at Fabio horse all day?"

But I like the butter thought better.

Irony

"The single most litigated issue today is arbitration."
--Contracts Prof

Found out this weekend that the g-mail lab I wrote about was an April Fools joke. Am crestfallen. And out for blood.

In class, we all tend to rely on others when we get called on and don't know the answer.

Today, I was betrayed.

My friend whispered to me that the answer to a particular question was "dirt."

So I shouted "Dirt!" Professor looked confused. In an effort to save face I scrambled to find a suitable answer. So I added, "And sticks!"

As you can probably guess, "Dirt! And sticks!" was not the correct answer. Class erupted in laughter. The answer, for those who are interested was "A full transfer of interest."

I think I should get some credit here, I was close.

Law School Rots the Brain

In Property. Talking about covenants and servitudes that run with the land.

Friend: Speaking of running, Run DMC was just indicted to the rock and roll hall of fame
Me: (Confused look)
Friend: Shit. INDUCTED. They were inducted.

Dear G-Mail,
Thanks for the burst of loud laughter during property. Pretty sure I had this conversation with my therapist once. Yes, we email.
Don't judge me,
Your faithful emailer



(Actually, I found this as an example of one of the capabilities of new a g-mail lab development. They are working on a new program that can write emails for you automatically based on previous communications. If G-mail can make this work, it would save me a lot of time thinking of the most convincing lies I can tell to my close friends and family. I love you, g-mail. And I love you, g-mail writers. And I love you, friends and family.)

In other news:

I make PR listen to me practice my appellate argument almost daily. Over the weekend I made the mistake of telling him that our coaches told us to treat the Justices like 8-year-old kings because they know nothing about the issues but still demand an enormous amount of respect. Telling him this was a mistake. Now when I want to practice PR tries to convince me to be his minstrel and speaks only in a heavy, medieval British accent. Sometimes this carries on for hours. Thanks, coaches.

If Slow and Steady Wins the Race, I'm Screwed.

Everyone says law school is more like a marathon than a sprint. You put in the time, the training, and the discipline, and then maybe you don't die on the last 5 miles stretch. Here's the thing: I've never run a marathon. I've never even done a 5k. I once begged a friend to come with her car and drive me through the last few laps of a family fun run.

Fourth graders passed me.

And so it goes with law school. The danger of having survived last semester with little struggle is that this semester I've patted myself on the back too often. To put it lightly, I have slacked off like never before. My average hours of napping have skyrocketed while my hours of studying have hit an all time low. Motivation is at a bare minimum. Interest in PR's Wii is on a rise. And so on and so forth.

Until...today I woke up and realized that my exams--my ONLY grades for the entire semester--begin in roughly one month. Looks like it's too late to start that marathon training...So the sprint begins. Anyone know a good personal trainer?

(Please send referrals. I can be found in my office. Not to be confused with a storage closet.)

Property:

67 minutes remaining
60 minutes remaining
55 minutes remaining
43 minutes remaining
29 minutes remaining
18 minutes remaining
15 minutes remaining
13 minutes remaining
8 minutes remaining
5 minutes remaining
4 minutes remaining
3 minutes remaining
2 minutes remaining
1 minute remaining.
FREEDOM.

If law school doesn't work out, I'm considering a career as an egg timer.

As a rite of passage (aka hazing tactic) School of Law requires all 1Ls to compete in an oral advocacy competition. Basically what this means is we have to get up in front of a panel of judges and persuade them to take our side on a certain legal issue...without drugging any of their drinks. (This is the hard part) Then another team gets up and tries to persuade the judges to take the opposite side. (No flashies allowed...damn) It's essentially just legal tug-of-war--think less mud but more mud-slinging.

I was dreading this competition. I do not want to be a litigator. I'm more of the warm and fuzzy type. Or so I thought. Today while we were practicing with our opponents, a strange thing happened:

I became the Hulk.

No really. My little pear shaped body was taken over by brain rage (the academic alternative to 'roid rage) . I suddenly got really in to the competition, scribbling notes for my rebuttal argument with rigor, squirming in my seat, looking around for TUMS so I could foam at the mouth during my conclusion. It was alarming. I had to sit on my hands to keep from throwing punches. (unsuccessful...sorry, Your Honor)

What I'm getting at here is that I think I have a new calling: Ladies and Gentlemen, you are looking at the new, improved, and slightly less green version of the Hulk.

Maybe I should take up wrestling? Or surrender myself to a lifetime of motivational speeches against steroids? I'm open to suggestions.

How My Con Law Professor Just Spelled Usurp:

URUSP.


And she's teaching me about the foundation of American law.

I interviewed with the TSA today. And basically, I begged them to give me an internship. Really. Begged. I couldn't shut up. And I couldn't stop giggling. They probably think I'm on meth. (Although, for the record, I'm not, potential Patriot Act spies) Regardless, I'm bracing myself for another failure. Sigh.

Murphy's Law: Rule in Action

"And then I got pulled over for DWI by a bike cop."
-- Friend/Really Slow Driver

Words of Wisdom

"And on the third day, God created contingent fees." --Property Prof

VICTORY!!!!

Dear Ms. _______,

We are pleased to invite you to join the _____Forum as a research assistant. Attached, please find our offer letter. If you have decided that you would like to join us, then please either (1) Print, Sign, Scan, and e-mail it back to us as a PDF or JPG, or (2) Fax it to us at (xxx) xxx-0533.

We apologize for the delay in our response and we appreciate your patience.

Sincerely,

_________ _________

Take that, humility.

Alright. I admit it. Being a full time law student isn't so bad.

But don't tell anyone.

Attorney > Salon Job

While I'm quite tired of all the pressure of trying (and failing...repeatedly) to get a legal internship for the summer, today I appreciated my career path for a fleeting moment:

I fell asleep and started drooling while my stylist was washing my hair this afternoon. He looked really uncomfortable as he prodded me back to consciousness. I woke up and wiped the drool off my face with his towel. (What? Sue me!) It must be an awkward profession.

Then:



Now:





I miss you, Spring Break.