Adventures of a Federal Employee--Part I

9:15am
Arrival, Introductory meeting where I learn some of my initial responsibilities, office structure, and the romantic history of all the office attorneys. Am told walls are being repainted and carpet is being replaced. So that's why there's a nail lodged in my foot.

9:30am
Introduced to other employees including the director of the commission. Stuffed in to loneliest office that slightly resembles a gas chamber. A gas chamber with a Fancy Desk.

9:45am
Taken to get Federal ID badge. My badge photo makes commission look like they hire directly from state mental institutions. Head back to gas chamber office.

10:30am
Reading files. Nodding off.

10:50am
Considering a nap beneath Fancy Desk. Text Friend to beg for a lunch date. Don't want to seem desperate but ITHINKI'MGOINGTODIEALONE!

11:05am
A judge gives me a cookie. There is a God.

11:15am
Someone should invent a device to force eyes to remain open.

12:00pm
Lunch with Friend. Being a bitchy gossip addict. Glimmer of hope for future survival.

1:30pm
Lunch is over. Hopelessness returns. Don't have computer access because no one has set up my security stats yet. When I ask the IT guy about it, he tells me he doesn't know who I am or what I am talking about. Have been slated to begin this job since April.

2:30pm
Nice young attorney comes to chat with me. Perhaps I will not forget how to speak English after all. Quickly realize he is procrastinating so he doesn't have to write a brief. Wondering if this gas chamber has an 'on' valve.

3:10pm
Attorney walking by says, "You having fun yet?!" Want to cry.

3:25pm
Supervisor tells me she sent a nasty email to the IT guy. Am sure my training session will be pleasant.

4:00pm
Finally get computer access. Good news: I can play on the internet. Bad news: I am warned that President Obama can access every page I've ever perused. (Don't judge me, 'Bama. Like you've never spent 30 minutes at work looking up the best hand sanitizers.)

4:57pm
Five. O. Clock. Will. Never. Come.

4:58pm
Seriously.

4:59pm
Will perish before it's...

5:00pm
To Be Continued...