Why 2010 Was the Best

1. Brandon Walsh was tricked in to marrying me. I won't get too much in to the mushy stuff, but BW is the most amazing man on the planet. He is kind, funny, and (Thank God!) patient. I know people say that it is hard to be in a relationship in law school, but I totally disagree. I honestly don't know where I would be without my husband.

And can I just say that if you are thinking of doing a destination wedding, you should definitely do it? As far as weddings go, I'd say it's a pretty low stress option. Plus it was wonderful to have our close family and friends there with us for a few days. We literally took over one of the pools at the resort for days at a time. It's like being on a vacation with everyone that you like, all at the same time!

2. I actually never mentioned this before, but early in 2010 I was selected to go on a trip with the law school to the European Court of Justice in Luxembourg. It was a crazy last minute thing where the Dean called me up, asked if I had a passport, and then told me I was going to the ECJ. I didn't apply or anything --the professor I am now researching for apparently recommended me because of my performance in her EU law class. So off I went on a long weekend! We got to learn all about the ECJ, meet fancy people, including ECJ and US Supreme Court Justices, and have a hoity-toity cocktail party at the US embassy with Chief Justice Roberts, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, and Steven Breyer. No big deal. I hang with the Supremes. Somewhere in the sea of faces below is my own...creeping closer and closer to the big wigs and making security very nervous.

3. Law Review made the mistake of publishing my comment. I am now the proud owner of 30 copies of the published version as well as loads of fame and fortune. And paper cuts. Because I sleep with them.

4. I started working out regularly. While I am still rather soft and round, I have developed a few muscles to call my own, and my endurance has improved a lot. Exercising is obviously very important for law students/lawyers. I often wonder if it keeps me from sobbing in public more often.

Other random great things about 2010:

• New Years Day 2010 was awesome. BW and I stocked the house and didn't leave all day. Lazy-fest of the decade. We tried to recreate it this year, but I don't think anything can live up to the glory that was January 1, 2010.
  
• The Winter Olympics happened. At first I was all, oh who cares, the Winter Olympics are so lame. And then I sat on the couch with my eyes glued to the TV for the next three weeks. Winter Olympics rule.
• I had two interesting jobs over the summer. I know you'll be shocked to hear, I didn't get an offer of employment from either firm. Maybe it was the porn? Or the outrageous cackling at my fellow clerks?
• I bought my very first car. I used to drive a Nissan Death Trap that my parents loaned me, but I am now the owner of a shiny new (to me) Toyota Not Death Trap and couldn't be happier.
• The bar association didn't notice that I paid a 60 year old homeless man to take the MPRE for me. And he passed!!
• I took two cool trips, one to NYC and one to Albuquerque. I got to visit family and skip class. Ultimate success.

2010 was a blast, and it ended with a lot to look forward to in 2011. Usually I'm not so peppy, but I have to say 2010 was a hell of a year. Definitely my best yet. And I have a lot of hope for 2011: my New Years resolution is to floss more, so things are already getting pretty exciting. Stay tuned.

Happy New Year!

Originally, Brandon Walsh and I were supposed to spend New Years in Paris. In fact, we were going to spend two weeks in Europe after Christmas until I started having weird feelings about the trip. And then I noticed that American had canceled our flight home. Instead of rescheduling, I took it as a sign that my weird feelings were on to something and canceled the whole trip, resolving instead to go in August after the bar exam.

Brandon and I have been lamenting ever since because we just want to have our adventure. But lo and behold! My weird feelings were correct! We would never have gotten out of the country because we had to fly through JFK during the crazy blizzard that hit New York! Plus there have been crazy snow storms in Europe too, so if we ever got there in the first place, we probably would have been big-time delayed coming home as well.

What I'm getting at here is that I am psychic. And brilliant. And so relieved that we moved our trip. We still have fun plans for New Years Eve. They aren't quite Parisian in scale, but we'll have a good time and spend the holiday together, which is really all I could ask for.

2010 has been an amazing year, here's to hoping 2011 follows suit!

Back

I'm back at my place for the rest of the break, and I just realized the school fitness center is closed until the new year. I'm taking that as a sign that I should try to gain as many pounds as possible before the gym reopens. Luckily, I got a head start over Christmas.

I don't really have any interesting legal news of note. I was selected as a semi-finalist for the Presidential Management Program (for those of you interested, it's supposed to be a great way to get in to the federal government without as much competition as the damn Honors Programs). Which means I'll fly to one of four cities and go through a day-long personal assessment some time in January or February. After that they will either select me as a finalist and I will apply to government agencies as a Fellow, or, more likely, they will send me thirty rejection letters and put me on the no fly list. So keep your fingers crossed. I want a job and I like to fly.

I also met with the firm that I have been in salary talks with. No concrete number response yet, which feels a little strange, but it seems like things are headed in the right direction. I feel like there has never really been a formal offer--just an assumption that I work for them. I'd love to get a real promise from them...but I'm too confused to try. Perhaps in the new year. When the gym reopens. And I am 300 pounds.

And that, folks, is all for now. Fascinating, I know.

Home for Christmas. Posting to resume shortly.

Thanks, I get it.

The Department of Justice has sent me like two separate emails and several letters informing me that I was not selected as a finalist for the Honors Program.

Thank you, US government, I understand. You can stop sending me rejection letters now.

---

Postscript: Yes, I realize there's no pleasing me. Either I'm whining because the rejection letter is not right, or I'm complaining because someone called me to tell me I didn't get the job rather than sending a letter. And now I'm complaining that I've gotten too many letters. Perhaps I should consider working for myself, as no one can live up to my exceedingly high letter standards.

Strangely Sad.

On a side note, it seems strange to me...For so long I've been excited about what will happen once I finish with law school, but now that it's drawing closer, I am a little sad. As it turns out I like law school. I like the ivory tower of academia. I like exploring complex legal questions that will likely never come up in the real world. I like knowing that the answer is, it depends. When I took my last exam today, I was of course relieved to be finished with studying for the semester. But I was also a little sad.

One more semester to go and I'll be forced to work a job every day and pay back my student loans deal with the monotony of reality. I've heard that most employers make you wear pants and frown upon the idea of napping during working hours. We all know that I'm great at napping, pantlessness, and shirking student loan debt being a student, and as usual I'm not ready for everything to change.

So what I'm getting at here is (a) enjoy law school while you can, you whiny 2Ls, and (b) someone nominate me to become a tenured professor upon graduating. From my experience, I'd be allowed to nap and show up half naked without losing my job. And I could pretend to know more than everyone else, which I am already good at. Sounds like the perfect fit.

Finished for Now!

My last exam is over. This calls for some ice cream and a nap. Someone call girls gone wild, I'm getting crazy.

Advice for 1Ls

You could try to follow this advice:

But this method has always worked best for me:

Almost done with the semester!

Employment Law

I was super douchey this semester in Employment Law because my professor allegedly gives extra points on your exam if you participate in class. My hand was in the air all the time--I might as well have been shouting Oh! Oh! Pick meeee! I was that girl.

But let me tell you something, all that participation is the only thing making me think I will get through this exam. Because right now I am searching for Cajun music on Grooveshark, and I don't see myself stopping any time soon.

One Wise Man.

For some reason, I am friends with Curtis on Facebook. Tonight while I was pretending to work on my outline, I observed his status:


Oh Curtis, your douchebaggery entertains/repulses me even to this day.

Trust Me.

Listening to the Law and Order theme song makes me better prepared for my Constitutional Criminal Procedure Exam. Fact.

MPRE Passed!

There must be some sort of mistake. The State Bar thinks I'm ethical enough to practice law. Now all I have to do is fudge my character and fitness and find a way to cheat on the bar exam, and I'll be all set!

Oh no.

Mozilla adopted two baby fire foxes and is streaming their activity live. There goes any hope of me studying this semester.

Qualified

I am a mid-twenties law student, and my new favorite song is written and performed by a nine year old. You should hire me to take your case.

Also, I finally grew a pair and sent off my salary request on Monday night. Still haven't gotten any form of response. So that's a great sign.

It won't matter anyway because I am going to fail out of law school this semester. My brand new computer crashed today, so I wasted yet another day trying to get back up to speed. I'd write more, but I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself. Sob.

Fluent in Spanish

My resume states that I am a fluent Spanish speaker. I assume this will be a problem at an upcoming interview I have with a partner who works with a lot of Spanish-speaking clients. I am afraid he will try to have a legal conversation with me in Espanol...at which point I will have to explain that by "fluent" I actually mean "I know what thy lyrics to Enrique Iglesias's song Dimelo mean."

Because I've listened to the English version.

Mierda.

How does my computer know when it's exam time?

Another day, another computer crash .

Please, oh Gods of Law School, please let IT figure out how to save my hard drive.

Studying employment law is ambien on paper.

Torture.

The only thing more boring than reading the local rules of civil procedure? Rewriting the local rules of civil procedure in my own words.

Sad

Rambling Post

Ladies and gentlemen, I received a job offer!!

Guess where I found this job.

I worked at this firm in college.

That's right, I am going back in time.

Now they want me to propose a working schedule over the summer while I am studying for the bar (Can I even work while I'm studying for the bar?) and they want to negotiate a "fair salary." Let me tell you about how much business experience I have: ZERO. I don't know how to negotiate a salary. On one hand, I want to make good money--on the other, I don't want them to think I am a crazy snob if I ask for too much. I don't want to low ball my self, but I don't want to scare them away. I'm so lost!

Plus, I am a little worried because this firm has a practice limited to a very specific niche. They don't do much litigation, and most of their hearings are administrative in nature. It's a lot of client counseling and mediation. I don't want to limit my career path.

Oh, and this job happens to be in a different city. It's a lovely place, but we've grown accustomed to being where we are, and I am nervous to make a change.

Also I am a big whiny baby. I know I am lucky to have the option, and right in time for Thanksgiving I have yet another thing to be thankful for--there's just so much to think about!! Advice???

Why is Everyone Studying Already?

I watched a crime show today that mentioned the fifth amendment's right against self-incrimination. I feel like that qualifies as studying.

Constitutional Criminal Procedure: in the bag.

From a Friend...

"Its that time of year. When I study while listening to Rent, to remind myself that at least I dont have aids."

Vote of Confidence

My father suggested today that I buy a van and sell breakfast tacos on the street after I graduate from law school. His brilliant idea is that instead of using tortillas, we should use waffles. Sadly, I think his advice is better that what I get from Career Services.

Brandon Walsh's Christmas Wish

"I would build a garage of glass and put it on display for all the world to see. And NEVER drive it. And sleep next to it."

-- Brandon Walsh

I'll get right on that.

Reading for Class

I've recently noticed that my attempts to read for class have become more akin to staring at the text in my casebooks for a while, and then turning the page after an appropriate amount of time has passed (i.e. 1.2 seconds).

Surely this will bolster my exam performance.

Quote

From a friend who apparently enjoys reading about my many failures in securing a job:

"I hope you never get a job. Your blog will tank."

...Although I thereafter told him he reminded me of Dexter (from Dexter, a TV show about a heartless, sociopathic serial killer) ...So I'd say we're even?

Career "Services"

I changed nothing in these emails except the names. I think this speaks for itself:

(Two days ago)

Hi Career Services Counselor,

I was selected for an interview with Justice Blank and I really want this job! Is there anything you can suggest to me about interviewing with him? Or do we have contact information for his previous briefing attorneys so I could see what the job is like? Any information you have would be helpful. Thank you!

Legal Ease

---

(Later that day)

Legal Ease,

Congrats on the interview. I’m not aware of anything specific with respect to Justice Blank but let me check around the office to see what I can learn.

Counselor

---

(Today at 3:00pm)

Legal Ease,

Do you know any students/grads who have worked with Justice Blank in the past? If so, they will be great sources of information and can probably give you some hints for interviewing with him.

Counselor

---

(Today at 4:00pm)

Legal Ease,

I’m a big believer in enthusiasm. Let Justice Blank know that you really want the job. You need to ask for the job! For example, at the end of your interview, express your enthusiasm about the position and what you have discussed with him, mention the value you think you can bring, and say: “ I would like to contribute the Blank Blank Court of Blank. I am hoping you select me.

Counselor

---

(Today at 6:00pm...took me two hours to recover from my speechlessness)

Counselor

Ok, I'll do my best! I don't know anyone who has clerked for him, I just wondered if the office might have some sort of records. I will continue to ask around. Thanks!

Legal Ease

---

Legal Ease,

Keep checking. I’m asking around and will let you know what I find out.

Counselor

Thank you, employment law

From the text book...

"Jobless professionals have consistently been found to exhibit significantly more stress than their colleagues who remain employed, with perhaps as many as two-fifths experiencing psychological impairment extreme enough to require mental assistance."

Dear Life. Give me a job. Before I go crazy.

What's in a name?

Best name for a white collar criminal defendant: Conboy.

Seriously, people? You trusted your life savings to a man named Conboy?

Seriously?

I interviewed with a big time company recently. It was for a sweet in-house job that I knew I would never get. So I wasn't surprised yesterday when I got my rejection letter in the mail. I was surprised, however, to see my name spelled incorrectly all over the place.

Listen, big time company, I know you guys are busy and you interview a million people. But I spend a lot of time preparing my cover letter and resume and writing sample. And then I spend even more time prepping for my interview, deciding what to wear, and actually going to talk to you about a job I know you will not give me. Please just do me the favor of checking over one of the eight documents I sent you to check the spelling of my (not difficult to spell!) name.

Getting the cold shoulder is bad enough, getting the cold shoulder and questioning whether you still know how to spell your own name is even worse.

I love Catalog Living

A Research Assistant's Job is Never Done...

I was up until four last night (this morning?) frantically finishing up research for the professor I am working for.

Not thrilled.

Ideas

Also had a brilliant idea today. What if I just take out as many student loans as possible and use that money to speculate in the gold market? I could totally pay my loans back faster if I guess right. And if you take a look at my transcript, you'll see that guessing is my strong suit.

Travel

Just got back from a visit to NY. If lawyering doesn't work out, I think I'd do well as a street walker performer.

Good News? Bad News?

Got my rejection letter from the Department of Justice. Normally I would complain, but at least I can take comfort in knowing that our government hiring committee has good instincts. They must have sensed my problems with wearing pants.

An article I wrote was published in a journal recently, and the publisher sent me like 40 copies in the mail (presumably because everyone I know will be clamoring to read my thoughts on corporate violation of international treaties and domestic labor laws in Mexican factories). Brandon Walsh has been really sweet and proud of me, and last night he brought a copy of the journal to bed to do some light reading (ha!). He took a look at the table of contents and then turned to me and said:

"Of course the only woman on here with a hyphenated name is the one writing about discrimination against women in Mexico."

Touche, BW, touche.

A Note

Dear Car Dealerships,

You're trying to sell a used car to a lawyer. Your intimidation tactics will not work on me. Your "great deals" do not impress me. What your manager says to tell me doesn't matter to me. Your constant ability to MIRACULOUSLY lower the cost makes me think that everything you sell is overpriced. Let me make this clear: It's my job to do your job better than you do. I haggle over the most important issues in peoples' lives. So don't screw around with me. Just give me a 30 cars for free, and lets call it a day. Ok?

Sincerely,

LegalEase

Kickass Attorney (to-be) at Law

Networking Fail.

We're doing our second round of on campus interviewing, and among other firms, a civil litigation boutique is coming to campus to interview. In the interest of networking, I contacted an attorney at the firm who recently graduated from my law school. We chatted about the firm and I felt like I had made a good impression. I've been patting myself on the back for being such a go-getter. Clearly this demonstrates that I am super brave, awesome, and a great socializer.

I got interviews for all the jobs I applied for...except that one. Oh the irony. Perhaps I'll fare better at these interviews if I keep my mouth shut.

I have little to report these days. Except that my brilliant career counselor told me I should try to get a job using Linked In. The future is bright.

Also, have you heard of this new pop singer, Michael Posner? Well, he's this guy:

But whenever they talk about him on the radio, my mind goes straight to Richard Posner, who is a brilliant legal scholar and a judge on the seventh circuit:

Because I'm just that cool.

Having a husband means finding raisins in a jar labeled 'beef broth.'

...Brandon Walsh strikes again.

Brilliance

I just thought of another thing I can put in to my cover letters for the zillions of government jobs I am applying to:

Dear Government Job,

It has come to my attention that I owe the US government (aka you) thousands of dollars in school loan debt. Considering this, I believe it's actually in your best interest to give me a job right away, so I can pay you back. Should you decide not to hire me, I will take your rejection to mean that my loans have been forgiven. Kthanxbai!

Sincerely,

LegalEase

Carelessly Put Yourself At Risk

I'm a terrible skier, and I'm not being hard on myself when I say that. Small children and monkeys are more coordinated than I am. So it was with unbridled terror that I once found myself alone on a black diamond ski trail in the middle of a blizzard. (Long story.) With nobody to carry me down, I didn't have a lot of options. So I wept--and had a fairly supplicating talk with God about my imminent death. (I believe I made a series of promises involving church attendance, reduced alcohol intake, and forgoing swearing.) And finally, I skied--slowly, with zero elegance, and whimpering like an infant the entire time--down the mountain. It wasn't pretty, but I did it.

The point being, sometimes you have to get in over your head to realize you're not in over your head at all. Two years ago, I got a job that I desperately wanted but had no idea how to do. So I took it, endured several panic attacks, and eventually learned the ropes. My choices were either figure it out or get fired. The bottom line: Most of the time, a high-risk situation won't kill you, because you are stronger than you think. And it's never a bad thing to be reminded of that.

(This was taken from a magazine I love and read religiously. Perhaps The God is trying to tell me not to jump off a cliff...yet)

Craigslist advice on dating a hipster:

Irony is not timeless. Marry a guy with a yacht.

School work takes a back seat to rain activities

Why is it that rain makes it impossible to do any work? All I want to do is nap and make cookies. And I've never been one to say no to either of those things. So let's hope I don't get called on tomorrow. Because I will offer my professor a cookie instead of answering the question.

New Book Title

All of My Friends are Getting Jobs; I am Just Getting Drunk

A Memoir

(Because books look fancier if they have A Memoir written below their titles)

New Cover Letter

Dear Hiring Attorney/Personal Friend/Inevitably Hot Recruiter,


I was doing a little stalking and I found your name on the firm's website!! You're a big deal, and you have great hair, and your firm is so impressive :) I'm going in to my third year and panicking about getting a job. Does your firm need a mediocre attorney with a wicked sense of humor and an affinity for red wine? If so, I am definitely the front-runner! I have a strong academic record, plenty of malpractice suits pending experience in the legal field, and I've cleared up all of my outstanding warrants. My interests include crying myself to sleep at night before I have nightmares about unemployment, strategizing ways to escape the country before the government realizes there's no way I can pay back my student loans, and stalking anyone I think can help me network. Please call me. Please. 


Please,


LegalEase

First Day Back

Today is my first day back at school. I have nothing interesting to report, but the day is still young. Perhaps later I will fall over something and rip my pants or maybe I'll realize 30 minutes in to class that I am in the wrong building. Because everyone is busy sketching the naked guy in the middle of the classroom, while I am ready to discuss the Uniform Commercial Code.

Finger crossed.

Feeling overwhelmed = time to start eating. I will soon be as big as the vast black hole of unemployment before me.

Victory is mine?

I am applying for about 300 million government jobs. But it's like they don't want anyone. The applications are so time consuming and tedious that I feel like my eyes will fall out before I finish even one.

But it's not an altogether terrible set up, my friends. If it's too hard, no one will do it. And the government will be left with just one marginally qualified candidate: ME!!!

Great Expectations

I interviewed yesterday for a job I am now dying to get. Lets hope the rejection letter comes mercifully fast.

I am having a really hard time summarizing this deposition because the defense attorney shares the name of my little sister's first hamster. All I can think about is this fuzzy little guy sitting at a conference table and lodging objections.



I will never get this assignment finished.

Fisher of Men

Bible Thumper, being the considerate and good Christian that she is, is dragging us all to get sushi for her last day at the office. Sushi is a TERRIBLE choice because (a) LOTS of people don't eat it, and (b) it's expensive. So tempted to ask her WWJD.

Because I'm pretty sure Jesus would pick burgers.

Post Script: I think The Jesus was on my side because the sushi request got derailed and we ended up at a place where they don't make you pay to get salmonella. Amen.

Satan's Sammys

Today Planned Parenthood came to the firm to talk about becoming a client. They made a whole presentation and brought lunch. We law clerks noticed there were some leftovers and so we were trying to think of a way we could eat them without drawing too much attention to ourselves. But the Bible Thumping Law Clerk was having none of that. As we were discussing options, she screamed, "I'm not touching those things!! Those are the devil's sandwiches!!!"

Two more weeks.

I am rude.

Apparently a girl I used to know in high school got engaged recently. I only know because I was stalking a bit on facebook. It was well worth it. Look at this gem I uncovered, a photo of the ring and flowers her boyfriend gave her when he proposed:

Yes, that's The Jesus sitting next to the engagement gear on the table, and he doesn't look entirely supportive.

Would it be too much if I 'tagged' him in her album??

Woman in a Man's World

I've been working with two others on document review for a partner this entire week. It's been miserable and he knows it. He told us he would "take us out drinking" to thank us for our dedication to the project. I wasn't really interested, but of course I would have gone to make a good impression and be a team player. Apparently yesterday he came in to our office right after I left for the day and asked if we could go right then. So the two men I work with went, and I had no idea about any of it. I only found out this morning because the another clerk, who was not on the project, let it slip. That made me feel even worse, because I realized the two guys I've been toiling with all week probably just weren't going to tell me at all. Awesome.

I mean, I didn't really want to go anyway, but it still stings a little bit. It's not a big deal and I know it wasn't intentional, but it's these unintentional, little slights that make me worry I will feel like an outsider for my whole career.

I guess I'd better steel my feelings and get over it, it's a long road ahead.

Post Script: The partner told Curtis he would have his assistant, Candy, take me and the other female clerk to lunch sometime. To make it up to us. Thanks.

Jobs

When my fellow clerks aren't fighting about Jesus or 18th century Russian literature, they tend to talk about jobs and the job market. Here are my thoughts: HOLYHELLIDONTEVENKNOWWHATIWANTTODOANDIWILLNEVERGETAJOBSOIWILLJUSTSPENDMYDAYSDRINKINGREDWINEANDCRYINGINTHEBATHTUB...and so on and so forth.

Thinking about jobs has made me realize: I am not really passionate about any particular subject. I mean, I think they are all okay. I don't really mind anything. But I'm not dying to do anything. Is this a bad sign? Shouldn't I be clamoring to defend civil rights or prosecute criminals? I mean, shouldn't I care about something? Maybe if these were different times, I would care. But can I really afford to be picky? It's not like there are a ton of legal jobs out there. But at the same time why should I launch my career in to something just ho-hum after all these years of school? (Oh, right to pay off 100,000,000,000 dollars in school loans.) Shouldn't I try to live my dreams...or something?

Does it make me a bad lawyer that I will just try anything? Does that mean I shouldn't have gone to law school? Did I just waste all this time and money? There are some things I do know, but none of those things help me narrow it down much...

1) I don't want to hate myself for my work or be bored out of my mind
3) I want to be able to work from home...eventually
4) I want to be able to have a career and a family and a life
5) I want to make enough money to live comfortably, save for retirement, and pay off my loans

See what I mean? These are not exactly things that will help me hone down the list of places to apply, or give me anything to talk about interviews. (Oh yes, I want to work for you because I'M LAZY.)The only thing I think would be really cool is to work in government and/or do something with international law. But let's be honest, does real international law even exist? And who would hire me for government work when there are people like Hillary Clinton around? And will it be a problem when I refuse to wear pants in federal buildings or foreign countries? So many questions...So few answers. Am I doomed? HALP!

Update

I cannot blog because The Tudors has taken over my life. I laugh, I cry, I try to get Brandon Walsh to play the fife...But I do not leave the couch.

In other news, I saw this guy driving on a major highway this weekend. I'm wondering if my fellow law clerk was in the car, stipulating about why Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans (her hypothesis: to rid the city of sin...Cringe.)

There's just really no reason to get off the couch when people like this guy are out and about. Tudors it is!

I wish it WERE the end of the world...

Other clerk at the firm is reading out of the Book of Revelations and trying to determine whether the gulf oil spill is part of Armageddon. I have no words.

Why I Married Brandon Walsh

After he tried (the one time) to attend my work out, I received this message:

I'm writing to you from the office today. Specifically, the floor under my desk at the office. Why? Because I crawled here. Why? Because in an effort to get in shape for our upcoming beach nuptials, I allowed my beautiful fiance to talk me into going to a class at the gym called 'Body Sculpting'. I have to believe that actually sculpting my body (with a chisel) would have been less painful.

So here I am, sprawled out on the floor, trying not to alarm anyone, but desperately needing help getting into my chair.

Reading for Fun

Has anyone read David Sedaris' new book, When You Are Engulfed in Flames? Hilarious. Like laugh-out-loud, snort-until-your-husband-wakes-up, impossible-to-pretend-like-you're-asleep-and-he-was-actually-the-one-snorting, funny. I enjoyed it immensely. Brandon Walsh may have a different opinion.

Back!

Well we're back from Mexico and adjusting to the real world. At the resort we had a lazy river that connected our room to the main pool and pool bar, so while at work I fantasize about drinking on the job and try to figure out how to construct a lazy river from our bedroom to the kitchen. Not only am I now A Married Person, but it is also obvious that I am a Highly Prized Member of the new law firm. Now back to blueprints...

Wedded Bliss...

Good Decisions

We leave for our destination wedding in Mexico tomorrow. Since I am afraid of UV exposure, I went to Nordstrom's to get an airbrush tan to even out my bathing suit lines before I don The Strapless Dress over the weekend. What was I thinking?

I hope Brandon Walsh is comfortable being Jon Smith, because he is about to marry Pocahontas.

I'd love to write more, but I'm busy painting with all the colors of the wind.

Back in a week. Hopefully I'll be less brown by then.

Who needs sleep

I'm getting married in 144 hours. Which means I will probably go to sleep in about 155 hours. I suspect I will need the extra-coverage concealer.

Good Omen?

In addition to getting a JD and an MBA, Curtis must also be getting a degree in atmospheric science. He informed me today that it is not, in fact, hurricane season and that there will not be storms in Mexico while we're there getting married! Thanks Curtis, I'm so glad I know someone who can see past all the lies NPR has been spreading so maliciously!

Hurricane Alex Makes Landfall Along Mexican Coast

In reality, kids, I am likely getting married in the middle of a hurricane. If that's not a sure sign of a stormy marriage I don't know what is. Luckily, I am already used to Brandon Walsh passing gale force wind (frequently), so I think we'll be just fine.

Clerk Company

So at the new job I work with a clerk who just finished his 1L year at an out of state school. We'll call him Curtis. Curtis was quick to tell me that he graded on to law review and moot court board. And that he has a full scholarship where he is, but he's thinking of transferring to Georgetown or somewhere else where he can take on student loan debt. (Idiot) Curtis also let me (and all the partners at lunch today) know he was on a soccer team as a kid that they called project 2010. The team was supposed to play in the 2010 World Cup. (How did that work out for you, Curtis?) And he constantly tells me I am wrong about law school/law firm related things because he knows it all now that he's taken torts.

I tried to like him, I really did. But he doesn't laugh at any of my hilarious musings, like that we should get a cat for our office (a Catscot) or hang hammocks from our cubicles. When I asked him if he would be interested in fetching me Diet Cokes for a living, he told me that he's been in school for too long to get people Diet Cokes. Rude. So since he clearly does not appreciate my sense of humor or my need for late-afternoon caffeine, I have decided to entertain only myself. I rant all day in an attempt to get some reaction out of him, but he usually ignores me or makes some jackass comment in response.

But I have had my redemption. Mr. Grade-On to law review told me he "carpools" with someone else in the office. You know who he "carpools" with? His mother. Who got him the job. Ordinarily I wouldn't care, however you get a job, great, the market is tough! But Curtis tried to hide it from me. And he is so arrogant that I took special pleasure in finding out that mommy had to get him a summer position.

I'm going to go talk to her about demoting him to my Diet Coke fetcher. And I might call her mom. Will report back soon.

Update: As an aside, Curtis is a JD/MBA student. After learning this, none of his behavior comes as a shock to me.

Face to face with my own mortality...Or something.

It's 9:37 on a Monday night and I am in the law review office fearing for my life. Why? Because School of Law finds it fit to leave the doors unlocked all day and night, and any old crazy person with half a brain ( I would venture to say even a quarter of a brain) could let themselves in here and hack me to pieces. How sad will it be if I die doing work for the law journal? The week before my wedding? With this terrible outfit on?

So sad. It. would. be. so. sad.

Thus I am armed. With a stapler. And 200 pages of nonsense written by some legal scholar with either a very quirky sense of humor, or an inability to speak English. So no worries, yall, I'm cool.

Sleeping In

It's my first day at my new clerkship and I don't have to be at the office until 9am. I am already loving this job.

More

Another reason the managing partner thinks I never work: His secretary doesn't give him my assignments. Then, when I confront her about it with him standing there, she throws me under the bus. Good news, though, it's very shady under here. And it smells like the Gulf of Mexico.

Also: I deposed a six month old baby. Well, almost. I mean, her mom was being deposed and the baby was sitting on her lap growling at me. She must know I'm a dirty corporate defense lawyer...and I like it.

And another great elevator moment: This time, the jazzy version of Bob Marley's I Shot the Sheriff. I'm not supposed to get married for another couple of weeks. If I find the building DJ, this wedding could very well be called off!

Friday is my last day at this firm. Then it's back to my own home and my fitness instructor, who I am mildly obsessed with and have maybe missed more than Brandon Walsh. Woohoo!

Just realized I've been putting all of my assignments for the managing partner in his outbox instead of his in box. This may explain whe he thinks I never work.

I typed "Why can't" in to Google and the first suggestion that popped up said "Why can't I own a Canadian?" Seriously, America?

Update

Only two weeks left of my first half clerkship. I've managed to arrive to work every day without forgetting to put on pants. And that, ladies and gentleman, is success in my book.

You can wear overalls to the office on casual friday. I read it in the employee handbook.
Looks like I'll be making a trip to osh-kosh-begosh in the near future

Since I love to sabotage myself...

This weekend I went to a firm party at a partner's lake house.

And introduced myself to an attorney I've already met. (You know, just one of the TEN attorneys in my office.)

Thereafter, I tried to sink in to the ground or disappear in to thin air, but to no avail. I mostly just apologized and covered my face in my hands while he stared at me looking incredulous and dejected. 

Perhaps I should have followed up by asking him to go find me a Bed Bath and Beyond coupon. (Now!)

I think this is what they call "putting your best foot forward." I'll let you know when I get the job offer. 

Tunes

Elevator music at law firm just played a jazzy version of 'gangsters paradise.' Who's the DJ around here, and how do I get that job?

We had some wild weather last night and now the legal secretary closest to my office is detailing ever clock in her house that she had to reset after the power went out. This is irritating to listen to but surprisingly, it's a nice break from hearing about her cats seven hours a day.

Awkward Office

One day last week right before lunch I tried to download a Bed Bath & Beyond coupon so I could run over to the store on my break and buy a wedding gift for a friend. (Don't judge me, I love a bargain.) So I did a google search and clicked on the first link that showed up. Almost immediately the virus software launched in to action warning me that I'd just downloaded a virus. Great. So in order to avoid an embarrassing encounter later when the office system picks up porn and gambling from my computer (I swear it's not me...shoves dollar bills in to desk drawer), I went to talk to the office administrator. That it itself was embarrassing, but she was really cool about it and came to my computer to look around.

It was only after she had been cruising the internet for ten minutes that I realized she thought I was asking her to find me another coupon. I was so embarrassed and sure she thought I was a total bitch, but I didn't know what to say! I let it go and just tried to forget about the whole thing over the weekend.

Today she brought me a Bed Bath &Beyond coupon from her house.

I hate myself.

Last week I prepared a no-evidence summary judgment motion. I am fairly confident it went something like this:

Sir Francis Bacon was clearly never a summer associate.

"If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts he shall end in certainties." --SFB



In my case, I start with doubts, continue with doubts, and end with doubts. Then I cry a little and beg for mercy.


You can quote me on that.

Week 1

I never seem to have time to catch up during the week, so here are some random insights in to what my summer clerkship has been like so far:

Before work started, I purchased a new suit for to wear on my first day. I could have sworn in the dressing room that it was gray, but when I took it home, it had turned brown. I thought it was weird, but I liked the suit and kept it anyway. On Monday morning, I wore my new brown suit with my new brown pumps. And when I got to the office, the suit turned gray again. This would have been fine, except I was wearing brown shoes. Embarrassing. I was betrayed by my own wardrobe. 

On the first day, I was almost immediately given an assignment--a no-evidence motion for summary judgment. I have drafted exactly zero of these motions (or really, an motions) in the past, so it took me about 12 hours total. Also embarrassing. I think these things take the regular associates about 30 minutes. And they made me use a dictaphone to draft it. So I turned in about 30 minutes of me giggling on tape to the word processors, and another 30 minutes of actual voice recording. 

I also have about ten million research memos to finish. But I am so afraid they are going to be terrible that I won't stop researching. I have probably run up a $30k tab on Westlaw, and I have nothing to show for it but a bunch case law that is at best tangentially related to what I am supposed to be writing about. My goal this week is to stop being such a baby and turn something in, so it can be destroyed and rewritten as soon as possible. 

Also, I am this firm's only summer associate (the firm is fairly small) so there is no one to commiserate with except the bobcat (who, I suspect, is telling everything I say to the partners. If he weren't already dead, I'd kill him.). I like the work, and I like the people but no one prepared me for this. I'm just sitting at a big fancy desk, trying to play lawyer and avoid peeing in my brown/gray traitor suit. 

The saga continues...

Work = Game

The first days at the firm have been fine. I am afraid to take a moment's rest because they stare at me disapprovingly if I'm not billing hours. And by they, I mean the bobcat, deer and duck mounted on the walls of my office.

More to come.

Starting.

I'm all settled in to my sister's house in my hometown and I begin my first-half summer clerkship tomorrow. If I make it through the day without being fired, I'll be sure to report back. If I do get fired, you'll all win those bets you've made. So let me say in advance, you're welcome.

Allergies

CVS had a sale on allergy medicine. Ten for $10! So I bought as many as I could carry. Now I am waiting patiently for the police to come with a search warrant to find a suspected meth lab.

Go for it, cops! I have nothing to hide, and I'll never sneeze again!! Muahahaha!

Now.

In the blissful week between finishing school and beginning work, I've been trying to appreciate the little things. Like realizing at 6pm that I still haven't brushed my teeth yet. Or having the time to clean the grout between our tiles line by line. Or staying up until 4am just to watch the newest episode of Cheaters.

Don't judge me. Life is wonderful.

Done.

I'm a 3L. Bring on the boring!

Exam Prep

Tomorrow morning is my PR exam. Today I ran in to a girl in my class who told me, without a hint of irony in her voice, that she has already prepared 85 canned answers for the test.

What is the world coming to?

Pondering...

Does completing my PR exam on Tuesday mean I can finally take the ABA model rules shortcut off the bookmarks bar in my web browser?

Or should I keep it around so I don't get drunk, go to court without pants on, and tell the other side all of my client's deepest darkest secrets?

Oh the big questions of life...

Eek!

Here's a really freakin' scary name for a law: The Anti Terrorism and Effective Death Penalty Act.

Two notes:
1. Judging from the name, you do not want to be on the wrong side of that law.

2. I would be really uncomfortable passing that law if I were a senator. I would probably move to name it something like the Bunnies and Rainbows Take an Eternal Nap Law. 

Pre-Trial Procedure, you shall be my Waterloo.

Studying

If Federal Courts kills me, do you think the the United States will waive immunity so Brandon Walsh can sue for wrongful death?

Job Posting at School of Law

The firm is not seeking a specifically regimented skill set in the successful candidate. Rather, the firm seeks a candidate with the rare combination of a thoughtful personality, open mind, charming style and the intestinal fortitude to consistently seek justice in our courts. [emphasis added]


I'm sorry, INTESTINAL fortitude?  


Those with weak stomachs need not apply. Will consider candidates who commit to a diet consisting entirely of Activia. 

New Exam Addiction

Exams mean hysterics, lethargy, and junk food. My newest addiction: chocolate covered sunflower seeds. But Brandon Walsh will probably leave me if I don't stop leaving a trail of them all around the house. I can't help it. They are so tiny and sometimes when I am pouring four thousand of them in to my mouth at the same time, a few slip out. ITS A TRAIL, BRANDON WALSH, IT HELPS ME FIND MY WAY BACK TO THE COMPUTER. Haven't you ever head of Hansel and Gretel?!! (Sobbing ensues)

Exams Gone By

I don't want to blog about exams for fear that I will have an immediate nervous breakdown. But I did remember something from last year's exams that made me smile.

I called Intense Friend to ask a question about something I was studying, and she picked up the phone whispering. I asked her where she was. Her reply:

"I'm in the undergrad library, it's quieter than the law library."

And that, folks, is why she is Intense Friend.

Glad I'm Not a Reporter

I know it's a big deal, but it's sort of hard to take this Icelandic volcanic eruption seriously when the name of the volcano is Eyjafjallajokull.

Is this Iceland's idea of a practical joke?

On the Up-and-Up

Although it nearly resulted in calling off our wedding and/or a double homicide, Brandon Walsh and I were able to work together to install a new screen into my laptop! (Thank you for the idea, law:/dev/null!!) I can actually see what I am typing, and my fingers are no longer on strike for more square footage (inch-age?) on the keyboard! Plus, I can call off the dogs on that Chapter 13 bankruptcy I was planning on filing for in order to pay for a new computer. 


In other news, my law journal sent me an email today to let me know that they want to publish my comment in our latest edition! I am surprised and super humbled (I'll be handing out autographed copies in my living room all next week) and honored...and I'd like to thank red wine and straws for much of my success.* Of course, I have to have a publish-able version ready by the last day of exams, so it will be a time crunch, but if anyone can do it, it's Brandon Walsh me! ...Just kidding, law review, I swear I will do it all by myself!


Also, I am fairly certain that I will be appointed to the Supreme Court any day now: 
Senate Democrats' wish list for high court: Someone with non-Ivy background

So you could say that this week is shaping up quite nicely.

*However, I would like to reserve the remaining portion of my success for myself exclusively to roll around in for the next seventeen to thirty years.

Reminders...

A few weeks ago I was reading this post, Destination Lawyer, on Useless Dicta thinking how great it must feel for this blogger to finally be where she had always imagined. Her post especially resonated with me because I constantly feel like I'm just going through the motions--college, law school, internships--waiting for my real life to start. I found out today that Useless passed away suddenly in February from a blood clot associated with a minor skiing accident she was in. Of course, I never knew her, but I am still shocked and sad. She was a witty writer with a lot of spunk.

I find myself all the time wishing for time to pass faster. For exams to be over, for law school to be finished, to have a job and a family and a real life. But events like this are a reminder: my life is real now. And instead of wishing for a fast forward button, I should try to hit pause from time to time and appreciate life just the way it is.

Happy trails, Useless. You will be missed.

Now That's Patriotism!

Some of the Rich Ask for Higher Taxes

In the alternative, I would propose that some of the rich pay off my student loans. But you know, whatever.

WHY

After the great screen crack of 2010, I went out and got a netbook to tide myself over until exams. I had to install a bunch of new programs, including the software for my wireless printer. Netbooks don't have disk drives, so I had to download the printer software from the internet. I managed to find the correct download and everything, only to realize after installation that the program had somehow installed in Spanish.

No problem, I figured, I habla espanol just fine, I can navigar a printer.

Oh. Except I can't even figure out how to use computers IN ENGLISH. So tonight, as I am trying to scan a check in to my bank account, the computer decides to send photos of me (via the built in web cam) to the bank instead of scanning my checks. And now I have been locked out of my online banking because they suspect fraud.

Well someone is going to have a good laugh tomorrow when they get 40 photos of me staring at the screen looking perplexed and trying to recall which word means STOP in Spanish.

Gracias, computer.

Epiphany

Did you know that Lexis Nexis has online support chatting 24/7? AMAZING. I made some new friends last night while working on my cite check at 1:00am. I've always been a Westlaw fan, but DavidH and AshleyD have really given me some perspective. And found me like 2349807 obscure treaties in about seven minutes flat.

I love you DavidH, I love you AshelyD, and I love you Lexis.

Why didn't I think of this?

This does not bode well for my exam performance

Instead of thinking about exams this weekend, I went back home to celebrate Easter with my family. And dropped my laptop on the tile floor.

Cracked Screen.

Broken Heart.

Destroyed Life.

Exam Failure = Imminent.

Are you kidding me, Career Services?

Dear 2L Group:

If you will be clerking with a small or mid-sized firm this summer, you don’t want to miss the presentation tomorrow - So What Do I Need to Succeed at a Smaller Firm?

[So and So] with The [X] Firm will cover what he believes are the keys to success in a smaller firm, including:

· How to exceed your employers’ expectations this summer

· How to move with a purpose and have a sense of urgency

· The importance of listening to your employer

· How to make sure you understand your work assignments

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My Thoughts:

1. Move with purpose and have a sense of urgency? This sounds like a lecture on finding a public restroom when your bladder is really full.
2. Listen to your employer? Understand assignments? This sounds like the most important and helpful program KNOWN TO MAN!!!
3. I suppose none of these topics are relevant if you are working in Big Law. They will probably have a special program about levitating and drinking games.

The Scarlett Letter

In Professional Responsibility we were talking about conflicts of interest. As part of the lecture, we went over a case where a law firm represented a husband, A, and wife, B, in some estate planning business. The same law firm then took on another client, a mistress who wanted to file a paternity suit against the husband, A. My professor couldn't remember the client's name during the lecture, so you know what she called her? Hester.

Hilarious.

In preparation for the wedding, I have been going to fitness classes at the school of law fitness center. We have an outdoor bootcamp class that Intense Friend makes me go to. So far, the weather has been too out of control to get outside. But yesterday our instructor hauled us out there for an hour of torture.

My knees and rear were soaked from the wet grass, I was sweating like a Yettie in the Sahara, and I kept coughing up the last of the cold I've been getting over this week. I could have survived the bleacher runs, the bear crawls, and the X drills. But while crab crawling across the soccer field like an idiot/crackhead, a certain straw broke this camel's back:

The President of my law review ran by on the track...and waved hello as I miserably scooted along on my bottom.

Awesome.

Funny T-Shirt

When your pants are on fire, being a liar becomes less important.

Class Notes

Today in Federal Courts we were talking about US v. Stanley, where a former serviceman sued the military for injuries he sustained as a soldier when the army tested LSD as party of a military experiment. The Supreme Court prevented the serviceman from recovering damages against the military. Our professor asked the one veteran in our class what he thought about the case.

His response: If the military had given me LSD, I might have stayed in.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later, from the girl who spent the last decade in a tanning bed: Well, we all know how I feel about…the law? and humans? In general?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think it's safe to say that after this semester, I will be our nation's most preeminent scholar on the United States Federal Court system.

Email from a Friend in my Professional Responsibility Class

We are still just talking about confidentiality, which seems to have two basic principles: (1) Shut up; and (2) When you can't shut up, tell the truth. Quick, somebody get me a law license.

Streamlining the Process

I had an interview this morning with a good sized law firm that I liked. But it sort of felt like a pity interview. My interviewers were nice, but we hardly talked about the firm at all, and I only got to ask one question about the firm before I was ushered out. Strange. Now I will do my best to stifle hope and wait X number of days to get a polite rejection letter from them.

Waiting for an answer is like being in a terrible one-sided relationship. Does he love me? Is he just confused? Maybe he's playing hard to get? Is this rejection letter just a ploy to see how persistent I am? Should I send some naked photos? Cash? Hookers?

No more. I am going to institute a new practice. At the end of every interview, I will hand over a self-addressed, stamped envelope stuffed with a polite letter that contains two boxes--check yes or no. This way, all the firm will have to do is check a box, sign and send. Sooner answer for me, less trouble for them.

You're welcome, law firms of America. This is just another reason why you should be hiring me.

LLM?

Application Essay Title: If I Just Keep Going to School, I Will Never Have to Panic about Getting a Job or Repaying my Loans.

Friendship: Good for the Waistline

The psychologist who visited my child advocacy class today said, "Social isolation is bad for people. Jeffrey Dahmer was very isolated. And then he ate people."

I can't afford the calories. I better make some more friends.

Hilarious Craigslist Post

To the guy who probably thought I was a stalker - w4m

Annoying

I grew up thinking it was impolite to talk about money.

Apparently I was wrong, because every time I tell ANYONE I am in law school, they immediately feel the need to comment on how much money I will be making. What is wrong with these people?! I don't comment on how much money you will be making as a restaurant owner/accountant/teacher/hooker. You would find me rude (unless you're a really laid back hooker). But for some reason, because I'm going in to law, its acceptable to the general public to talk about my future salary.

WHICH. By the way. Is not going to be as large as you imagine, general public. The legal market is crap right now, and I'll be lucky to find anything, not to mention something that pays well. I nearly have a nervous breakdown every time this conversation takes place. Brandon Walsh has to drag me off before my forced smile gives way to weeping and gnashing of teeth. It's a problem.

So frustrating. Am I alone in this? Does this happen to other people? Or am I walking around with a big sign on my back that says 'Please comment on my earning potential'????

The Woes of Being Unpopular

"Martinez alleges that on or about October 20, 1998, [defendant's] employee negligently dumped a container full of tires on him at the Michelin tire facility."

Ouch. Take a hint, Martinez.

I finally said it.

"No one cares what I think. I am a law student."

Federal Courts professor was not impressed, but sometimes the truth hurts.

New Olympic Game Ideas

There's a new Olympic sport this year called men's ski cross. Basically four guys ski this crazy track at the same time and try to pass each other up without getting all tangled and dislocating a hip. I watched it all weekend and it was awesome. I didn't know you could just add sports to the Olympics. Since I have comment revisions, reading, outlining nothing better to do, I've been thinking up new ideas of Olympic sports.

1. Ice Jousting - An athlete mounts a Shetland pony on ice skates. The pony skates across the rink toward the opponent and each athlete tries to make the other fall off their pony. Extra points if your pony does a triple axle.



2. Something along the lines of this commercial where you're skating on a spinning ice rink. But instead of taking the easy way out (...Apollo) competitors have to skate against the direction the ice rink is spinning and see who can reach the finish line fastest.



As long as I can't be in the Olympics, I can at least make them harder for everyone else. Just don't indemnify me when PETA sues the Olympics or Apollo Ono breaks his skull. Thanks.