School of Law pressured me in to joining Law Review. Suffice it to say, Law Review. is. fucking. terrible. However, I did get a good chuckle today when I was crying (literally) to a librarian because I could not find a source.

His Response: The Law Review is to librarians what football is to co-eds! We are obsessed with you guys!

I pictured him in a cheer leading costume and had my first and only giggle of the day.

It's going to be a long year.

I miss the court. Everyone there was so warm and fuzzy. And no one monitored my internet browsing.

Today I was working in my office when I heard my boss and another attorney talking about my work in the hallway. I got up and went over there thinking I could answer any questions they had. Bad decision. It turned out it was NOT a positive conversation. Attorney 1 (A1) was bitching to my supervisor (S) about me! IN THE HALLWAY, aka A PUBLIC FORUM. Let me take you back in time. Here's how all of this happened:

Last week, A1 saunters in here and tells me to "familiarize" myself with this case. Then he tells me to try calling this woman he has been unable to get in touch with for A YEAR. I familiarize, consider ending my life, and call this woman several times. No surprise: she won't call me back either.

Fastforward to the hallway: A1 is bitching to S that I didn't do anything I was supposed to. Excuse me, by "supposed to" do you mean READ YOUR WHOLE GD FILE ON THIS CASE AND HARASS SOME POOR WOMAN THAT DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU?? (and I don't blame her!) Luckily S tells A1 that he gave me a bad assignment and that I can't subpoena the woman so he should have a paralegal work on it. (Thank you, Jesus. Thank you S.) In the mean time, I am standing there shifting awkwardly and wondering why I am still being referred to in the third person. He saunters away.

Lesson:

So it turns out that there are real lawyers (read: assholes) even in government work. What frustrates me is that the interns are doing their work for free, and they still treat all of us like crap.

Looking for sympathy, I went to talk to an intern who has been here longer. She said, "Well, you're an intern--that's what you signed up for." I told her she's going to be a good lawyer. It was not a compliment.

Obviously, I know I am an intern, but I did not sign up to be treated like I am worthless. In fact, the reason I wanted to do government work this summer is because it's much more laid back and as a result, tempers don't generally flair as much. That, and I...uh...want to...um...help people?

In any case, I realize I am working with a population that generally has an overarching God complex, but it doesn't matter who you are (or more accurately, who you THINK you are), you should still treat your employees well. ESPECIALLY when your JOB is hearing employment grievances all day long.

So today I am a number four to my life goal list ( 1.eat well 2. nap often 3. don't get eaten by a shark): 4. Don't be an arrogant prick of a lawyer.

You think I would have thought of this earlier.

-----

In other news, it's so cold in here that I think my internal organs are freezing over. So long, cruel world!

Watching the Home Run Derby with PR. There are a ton of kids in the outfield scooping up baseballs that don't make it out of the park.



Me: Who are all those kids?

PR: I don't know. Orphans? That way it looks good for MLB and no one sues if one of them gets hit in the head.



He's going to be such a great father.

[Possible Future Book Title]

And Then I Almost Had a Nervous Breakdown Because I Couldn't Find the Goddamn Corkscrew

Recent Developments:

1. Was booted from my office and forced to set up elsewhere. "Elsewhere" was full of boxes and had a terrible desk set up. I thought it would be a good idea to try to move this enormous 3-part desk by myself. Not surprisingly, I failed. This is what they call "destruction of federal property." It's a felony.

2. Have been told they are doing "renovations" in the office. Since when did "renovations" come to mean clubbing a baby seal to death?? Because that's what it sounds like they are doing.

3. Have been invited to join the International Law Review Association. Wondering if I can write an article about the possiblity of ditching law school loan debt, hiding from the government, and opening a B&B in Mexico. Not that I'm planning anything. Really.

Adventures of a Federal Employee--Part I

9:15am
Arrival, Introductory meeting where I learn some of my initial responsibilities, office structure, and the romantic history of all the office attorneys. Am told walls are being repainted and carpet is being replaced. So that's why there's a nail lodged in my foot.

9:30am
Introduced to other employees including the director of the commission. Stuffed in to loneliest office that slightly resembles a gas chamber. A gas chamber with a Fancy Desk.

9:45am
Taken to get Federal ID badge. My badge photo makes commission look like they hire directly from state mental institutions. Head back to gas chamber office.

10:30am
Reading files. Nodding off.

10:50am
Considering a nap beneath Fancy Desk. Text Friend to beg for a lunch date. Don't want to seem desperate but ITHINKI'MGOINGTODIEALONE!

11:05am
A judge gives me a cookie. There is a God.

11:15am
Someone should invent a device to force eyes to remain open.

12:00pm
Lunch with Friend. Being a bitchy gossip addict. Glimmer of hope for future survival.

1:30pm
Lunch is over. Hopelessness returns. Don't have computer access because no one has set up my security stats yet. When I ask the IT guy about it, he tells me he doesn't know who I am or what I am talking about. Have been slated to begin this job since April.

2:30pm
Nice young attorney comes to chat with me. Perhaps I will not forget how to speak English after all. Quickly realize he is procrastinating so he doesn't have to write a brief. Wondering if this gas chamber has an 'on' valve.

3:10pm
Attorney walking by says, "You having fun yet?!" Want to cry.

3:25pm
Supervisor tells me she sent a nasty email to the IT guy. Am sure my training session will be pleasant.

4:00pm
Finally get computer access. Good news: I can play on the internet. Bad news: I am warned that President Obama can access every page I've ever perused. (Don't judge me, 'Bama. Like you've never spent 30 minutes at work looking up the best hand sanitizers.)

4:57pm
Five. O. Clock. Will. Never. Come.

4:58pm
Seriously.

4:59pm
Will perish before it's...

5:00pm
To Be Continued...