27 August 2010

New Book Title

All of My Friends are Getting Jobs; I am Just Getting Drunk

A Memoir


(Because books look fancier if they have A Memoir written below their titles)

24 August 2010

New Cover Letter

Dear Hiring Attorney/Personal Friend/Inevitably Hot Recruiter,


I was doing a little stalking and I found your name on the firm's website!! You're a big deal, and you have great hair, and your firm is so impressive :) I'm going in to my third year and panicking about getting a job. Does your firm need a mediocre attorney with a wicked sense of humor and an affinity for red wine? If so, I am definitely the front-runner! I have a strong academic record, plenty of malpractice suits pending experience in the legal field, and I've cleared up all of my outstanding warrants. My interests include crying myself to sleep at night before I have nightmares about unemployment, strategizing ways to escape the country before the government realizes there's no way I can pay back my student loans, and stalking anyone I think can help me network. Please call me. Please. 


Please,


LegalEase

23 August 2010

First Day Back

Today is my first day back at school. I have nothing interesting to report, but the day is still young. Perhaps later I will fall over something and rip my pants or maybe I'll realize 30 minutes in to class that I am in the wrong building. Because everyone is busy sketching the naked guy in the middle of the classroom, while I am ready to discuss the Uniform Commercial Code.

Finger crossed.

19 August 2010

Feeling overwhelmed = time to start eating. I will soon be as big as the vast black hole of unemployment before me.

Victory is mine?

I am applying for about 300 million government jobs. But it's like they don't want anyone. The applications are so time consuming and tedious that I feel like my eyes will fall out before I finish even one.

But it's not an altogether terrible set up, my friends. If it's too hard, no one will do it. And the government will be left with just one marginally qualified candidate: ME!!!

18 August 2010

Great Expectations

I interviewed yesterday for a job I am now dying to get. Lets hope the rejection letter comes mercifully fast.

12 August 2010

I am having a really hard time summarizing this deposition because the defense attorney shares the name of my little sister's first hamster. All I can think about is this fuzzy little guy sitting at a conference table and lodging objections.



I will never get this assignment finished.

10 August 2010

Fisher of Men

Bible Thumper, being the considerate and good Christian that she is, is dragging us all to get sushi for her last day at the office. Sushi is a TERRIBLE choice because (a) LOTS of people don't eat it, and (b) it's expensive. So tempted to ask her WWJD.

Because I'm pretty sure Jesus would pick burgers.

Post Script: I think The Jesus was on my side because the sushi request got derailed and we ended up at a place where they don't make you pay to get salmonella. Amen.

03 August 2010

Satan's Sammys

Today Planned Parenthood came to the firm to talk about becoming a client. They made a whole presentation and brought lunch. We law clerks noticed there were some leftovers and so we were trying to think of a way we could eat them without drawing too much attention to ourselves. But the Bible Thumping Law Clerk was having none of that. As we were discussing options, she screamed, "I'm not touching those things!! Those are the devil's sandwiches!!!"

Two more weeks.

01 August 2010

I am rude.

Apparently a girl I used to know in high school got engaged recently. I only know because I was stalking a bit on facebook. It was well worth it. Look at this gem I uncovered, a photo of the ring and flowers her boyfriend gave her when he proposed:

Yes, that's The Jesus sitting next to the engagement gear on the table, and he doesn't look entirely supportive.

Would it be too much if I 'tagged' him in her album??